Chris Katefans is a God! (Was: Love-Hounds T-Shirt)

[jorn@chinet.chinet.com (Jorn Barger)]

Finally, it all comes clear!  Just as Andy plays a fictive personality 
dubbed "IED", just as the "Jon Drukman" who attacks us each day is really 
just the virtual avatar of a tiny, sweet California surrealist by the same 
name... *just so* has Chris Williams fashioned himself a new 'net 
personality', whom I suggest we ought to call... "Yahweh"!

The tipoff, of course, for me, came when Chris wrote:

> I'm not a god, but I sometimes I play one on the net.

And that got me to thinking:  what god he might be thinking of?  And from 
there it was just obvious:  bluster, braggadocio, consigning people to 
heaven (Andy, Ron, K&P&D) and hell (everyone else), unmistakeable delight 
in the smell of burning flesh... who else could it be?!?!  (Notice, too, 
how his repetition of "I", above, resembles that most famous traditional 
translation of 'Yahweh': "I am that I am."  ...*Yahweh peeking thru!*)

And the icing on the cake is that, just as Yahweh's historical archives are 
frought with inconsistencies, self-serving rationalizations, and material 
purloined from earlier cultures, so too are Chris's... uh, *Yahweh*s:

=  THE N.V.C. EVENT  ===================================================

Yahweh remembers, on July 13, what he told Saint MJM on June 29:
> I repeatedly mentioned Kansas City, and trying to find a PAL to NTSC
> converter here in Chicago.

St. MJM's 'Not Very Careful' email of June 29, 15:03EDT:
> I just spoke to Chris [...]
> What he would be willing to do is actually assemble the tape you're
> talking about (i.e. with RM and your PAL Aspel) [...] I propose:
> 1) We meet and you give me your PAL ASPEL.
> 2) I go over to gaffacentral and they assemble NTSC tape
>    with ASPEL, RM, and whatever else fits.
> 3) I take that back to you with your PAL ASPEL.

St. MJM repeats, when questioned (June 29, 17:30EDT):
> No, cw has PAL--NTSC conversion equipment at gaffa central.
> Thus, it would not take much time at all.

So somehow in the minutes before 3:00pm on June 29, some deeply miraculous 
NVC Event ***knocked the repeated mentions of Kansas City right out of 
MJM's head, even though Yahweh had speaken just before***.  Saints be 
praised!

St. MJM's First Hypothesis (July 12, 10:26CDT):
> ...it seems that Jorn's Tape Tree's growth has become temporarily a
> little stinted...

St. MJM's Hypothesis of the Incorrect Assumption (July 12, 11:01CDT):
> I apologize [...] for having incorrectly assumed that Chris
> could do reasonable quality PAL-NTSC at home.

Yahweh's Holy Lapse of the Divine Omniscience (and Grammar) (July 13):
> I have no idea how Mike could possibly gotten that impression.

Vickie's conjecture (July 14):
> An honest mistake on Michael's part...

St. MJM's Valediction (July 14):
>      Lord knows, if any of you *ever* climb a tape
>      tree, be *very* *careful* what you say or you may never
>      make it down.


= THE MIRACULOUS VISION OF VICKIE-MARY ==================================

(If Chris is Yahweh, then Yahweh's only recorded sex partner, Mary, must be 
Vickie?)

Mary to her (His) people, July 14:
> *Jorn* changed *his* mind about giving us the
> PAL original, and wouldn't even let us see it

The Sacred Gift of Spittle (also July 14):
> Pfft!

Mary on July 4 (right after Paul visited Yahweh and Mary with the PAL 
Aspel, expecting to get it dubbed):
> Oh yes <sigh>. After finally seeing the "video" (the Wogan), and seeing 
> Kate's facial expressions, I love the song (MoP) even more.
[Wogan here is clearly a Blessed PSeudonym for Aspel]  


= THE NON-DEMAND EVENT =================================================

Mary complains to her (His) people (July 14):
> Jorn changed his mind about giving us the original with no explanation
> to us. How dare he make it sound (in his recent post) that *we* [...]
> demanded the original in exchange for Rocket Man!

Yahweh to Jorn, July 8:
> In [...] you write: [...]
>>so by Mon. i expect to have sent Cynthia the full Aspel/Wogan/GodRocket.
>>(plus, i guess i shouldn't tease, the old Dutch TKI vids)
>>
>>jorn
> 
>    ....if I get the PAL original. Why are you doing this, spite? You
> don't even *own a VCR*.

= THE WONDROUS RIDDLE OF THE SHIFTING DEAL ============================

Jorn to MJM, June 26?:
> I'd be willing to trade the PAL Aspel original for access to the PAL
> Rocketman...

(Never having been *offered* access to the PAL Rocketman, how were these 
terms applicable?  *It must be another miracle!*)

MJM to Jorn, June 29:
> 2) I go over to gaffacentral and they assemble NTSC tape
>    with ASPEL, RM, and whatever else fits.
> 3) I take that back to you with your PAL ASPEL.

= YAHWEH SPEAKS IN TONGUES =============================================

Yahweh to His people (July 13, explaininging why he falsely promised Paul 
he could dub Rocketman):
> [...]  The Rocketman video is on VHS, and my only other
> working VHS machine is the multi-standard one. I tried to play the NTSC
> tape in it's NTSC mode, but the sync was weak as the tape was *already*
> a conversion, and the NTSC encoder in the multi-standard machine is
> kind of marginal.

= THE BEAUTIFICATION OF MJM ============================================

Yahweh to His people, July 13:
> [...] Jorn has behaved in a really dreadful
> manner to a large number of really nice people (Mike especially).

Jorn's Especially Dreadful Appeal to Saint MJM, after receiving the Holy 
Non-Demand, July 8:
---
[quoted Holy non-demand omitted]
Here's what I know, and what I reconstruct:

I've been advocating, passively, for many months that the Rocket vid
should be widely distributed.  It hasn't happened.
I offered Ollie Gorman to redistribute his Aspel tape, and even if anyone
else made the same offer, Ollie still chose to send it to me (I don't 
know).
I made numerous attempts to find a Rocket to add to the tape.
Ron Hill was going to, but didn't mail me his Rocket dub.
I advanced to Chris via MJM the offer of the PAL Aspel original in exchange
for a professional dub of both Aspel and Rocket, assuming this would mean
Chris lending out his PAL Rocket.
Tom Richards suggested 'Paul' as a Kate fan in Evanston who could probably
do the conversion free.  Paul raced over and grabbed the tape, and then
vanished in a cloud of excuses (ten days and counting).
I had asked Paul to offer Chris a dub of Aspel for a dub of Rocket, or the
original Aspel if we could have the original Rocket long enough to dub
professionally.  I also told him I didn't feel I could trust Chris to
leave the Aspel original with him.  Paul apparently screwed this up every
which way.
Paul has backed out on doing any professional dubbing (I think).
Chris seems determined to view everything I do in the worst possible light,
and to take every opportunity to make my life unpleasant.

It becomes clear to me why gaffans just *don't bother trying*...
---
---

St. MJM's Especially Really Nice Response to Jorn, July 8, cc to Yahweh:
---
[already-quoted Dreadful Appel omitted]
          Fuck this *shit*, man.  All I fucking know (and
          I must say I'm getting *real* *sick* *now* of all this
          bickering and bullshit, guys) is that you (JORN)
          asked me to do some interface between you and Chris.
          I almost immediately got an OK from Chris, who has
          *ALL* the necessary equipment, and who, I might add,
          despite your unwarranted suspicions, is a very fine
          and honest guy [...] it made a *whole* lot more
          sense for Chris to assemble the tape than for you (Jorn)
          to because he had all the stuff.  Instead, you go to some
          wildcard Paul, who no one knows *anything* about, and
          goes and fucks you through.   Hmmmm, that's too bad.
          I guess you should have gone to plan A.  I mean, if you
          didn't trust me and Chris to do this, why ask in the
          first place?! [...]
---
---

= YAHWEH"S HOLY IMPERCEPTIBLE LOVE FOR HIS PEOPLE ========================

Jorn to Yahweh's people, June 15:
> To clarify my earlier request, can anyone in the UK tape the song onto
> their telephone answering machine, and let us call it Sunday night for
> a listen?
> 
> Can anyone in the US re-tape it and do the same without the trans-
> Atlantic call?

Ollie's public reply to Jorn, June 15:
> Can't help with this but....
> 
> I will video it and am travelling to the US the next day (it's this
> sunday right)...so if the video ~a day later is any good to anyone in
> the states, let me know....

Jorn to Yahweh's people, June 16 (note lack of expression of *any* personal 
interest by Jorn, even though Ollie had not yet chosen a recipient):
> Ollie Gorman breathes the wondrous words:
> > I will video it and am travelling to the US the next day (it's this
> > sunday right)...so if the video ~a day later is any good to anyone in
> > the states, let me know....
> 
> Can we parlay this into a tape tree that also includes Rocketman (both
> versions)???????
> 
> Ollie's PAL version to one or more US sites, PAL-to-NTSC convert once,
> 1st site mails out 5-10 copies, which do the same for the rest, total
> time elapsed <2 weeks?!?!?!

Yahweh's late entry, June 22, still without any offer but with braggadocio:
> P. S. *Many Thanks* to all the UK fans for the yeoman service done
> digitizing the music and images and transcribing the interview and
> lyrics. We had recorded the song off the telephone, and had no idea
> that everything would be done so quickly.

Yahweh's temporary distraction, June 24 and on and on:
> [...] So yes, I have a right to my opinion. And,
> at risk of sounding like and "old fart" it may well be more valid than
> your's.

Jorn drops second Rocketman hint to Yahweh & people, June 26:
> Oliver Gorman's dub of Aspel arrived in my mailbox today (thanks,
> Ollie!!!).
> I am getting it converted to PAL, and looking for a Rocketman to add on
> too.

Yahweh's public offer: [none]

Yahweh to H.p., July 13:
> Jorn's main desire here is to try to get the best quality videos, get 
> everyone else to do the work and look like a hero to those with
> short memories.

= THE HOLY UNACKNOWLEDGED BORROWINGS FROM JORN ===========================

Yahweh (and Co.) refer to the FAQ, and to "gaffa central", and Yahweh 
borrows (July 15) Jorn's joke about Jon's CD-pride.  Yahweh and Mary have 
owed Jorn $150 for many years, nor have they paid for the copy of "Cathy" 
he loaned them with an offer of first-refusal rights to buy it (offer now 
finally withdrawn, for obvious reasons; book still in their possession).


Can there be any doubt???