Love-Hounds Digest #7.373

[caen!bsbbs!mdc@harvard.harvard.edu (Melissa D. Caldwell)]

henrik@echelon.UUCP (Larry DeLuca) writes:

I wrote:

> > Psychological pressure cannot harm me unless there is some underlying 
> > threat of physical abuse.  I don't care if someone thinks I might be 
> > "frigid" or "immoral".  Their opinions cannot hurt me unless I allow them 
> > to. 


> Your own last sentence says it all.  However, if you read my posting more
> carefully before declaring it "disgusting and sexist" you would have noticed
> that I mentioned that psychological abuse and pressure were harder to
> fight because they often could not be confronted directly.
> 
> I have had the unique experience of being both physically and psychologically
> sexually violated in my life (on different occasions, needless to say).  Afte
> my body healed, I found it considerably easier to get over the physical one,
> because I could point to a tangible wrong that someone had done me.  It took
> me a lot longer to figure out I didn't have to sleep with someone because the
> were pressuring me to and I was lonely.  
> 
> Yes, in that situation I let me hurt me.  But those kind of hurts are 
> still harder to deal with in many ways.
> 
> Don't assume that because I have a penis that I can't possibly understand
> the weight of the words I use.  It annoys me.
> 
> 					larry...

Whether or not you have a penis has nothing to do with the fact that 
the idea you're expressing is disgusting and sexist.  It's disgusting to 
me because regardless of your experience, there is no comparison between 
being forcibly raped and this mythical "psychological force".  

Since psychological pressure cannot force me to do anything, any pain
that I may feel as a result of the pressure is due to a weakness in my 
own character, and not because psychological pressure is so irresistible. 
If anything, pressure of this sort increases my will to resist.
We make our own choices.  Claiming that some of these choices are the
result of psychological force is a way of conveniently avoiding personal 
responsibility.

I felt your remarks were sexist because you said that a woman can
try to deflect a penis headed toward her vagina.   By talking
specifically about the rape of a woman by a man and then downplaying that 
as being less harmful than "psychological force", your comments sounded 
extremely sexist to me.  That sort of statement supports the notion that 
women would not be raped if they would only resist.  Resistance can be 
effective, but many times it is not an option.  

If you don't understand how your remarks might have given me this 
impression, then perhaps you don't understand the weight of your
words after all.


 Melissa Caldwell                         You want my reply?
 The Big Sky BBS (+1 614 864 1198)         What was the question?
 {n8emr|nstar}!bluemoon!bsbbs!mdc           I was looking at the Big Sky
 mdc@bsbbs.UUCP