Jon Does Happy (LONG and TWISTED)

[Jon Drukman <jondr@sco.COM>]

[A heavily edited version of this article will appear in XMag #8]

PREFACE: My mommy told me that if you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all.  My editor (when I had my review column in the
paper) told me that if you don't have anything nice to say, make sure you
say it in print.

INTRODUCTION: OK, I know you've all been sitting around, fiddling with your
hair, nervously chain smoking clove cigarettes (they're worse for you than
tobacco, but they smell nicer), and generally getting yourself worked into
a lather wondering when I was going to get around to commenting on Happy
Rhodes.  Fret no more, gentle love-hound.  Just grab a drink, this may take
a while.

-CHAPTER ONE-

Well, Vickie was nice enough to send me 120 minutes worth of Happy stuff
(although you really didn't need to priority mail it, since I went up north
for the weekend and it just wound up sitting on my kitchen table for three
days).

Eventually I got around to listening to the damn thing, but not until after
my girlfriend left me and I contracted a cold to boot.  The jury is out on
which was more annoying, but I think the early polls favor the cold.  (I
just mixed metaphors there, but I'm not going to change it.  It scans OK.)

So, in a highly amused state, I played the tape.  I'm currently giving it
it's third spin while I write this.

What's all the fuss about?  It's about as interesting as a test pattern.  I
should probably footnote that with the observation that I quite enjoy
staring at test patterns when sufficiently intoxicated.  OK, so I'm being a
little glib here, but if I were to just say what I think about this tape,
then it'd be over in ten seconds and we'd all be bored and looking for new
angles on the Richard/Chris argument again.

Happy's got a nice voice, I guess.  It's kind of boring, actually, but at
least her pitch is accurate.  Her low register sounds vaguely Tanita
Tikaram-ish, and her high register does bear a passing resemblance to Kate,
but it's missing all those wonderful nicotine-scarred quirks.  If Kate is
chocolate pudding, then Happy is the Jell-O (TM) brand instant kind.  Or,
to put it another way, Kate is a quarter pounder with cheese, and Happy is
McLean.  Well, that's not a really good analogy, because comparing Kate to
red meat is a horrible insult.  That stuff is EVIL!  Maybe Kate could be a
Fishwich or a McChicken instead.  Damn, I'd better go have lunch and then
finish this review...

-CHAPTER TWO-

OK, I thought of a much better analogy over lunch but I've forgotten what
it was now (they had cheesecake in the cafeteria today!), but it was really
good and incisive and got right to the point, unlike this review which is
already much too long and going nowhere fast.

The only song that has stuck in my head is "The Wretches Gone Awry" only
now that I go to actually think about it, I can't remember what it sounds
like, so obviously it didn't stick that well.  I dunno guys, what's all the
hoopla about?  The synthy songs remind me A LOT of The Legendary Pink Dots,
only The LPDs inspire fanatical devotion in me.  It's that descending
arpeggiated chord pattern thing, you know.  Old trick.  Listen to "Black
Zone" on the LPDs album "The Tower" and tell me that you can't hear it as a
Happy song.  Of course, the LPDs also have winning lyrics, with is
something that Happy definitely doesn't.  Bad college angst-ridden
pretentiousness, actually.  I've heard people writing out their demons
before, and this stuff doesn't scare me in the slightest.  KaTe may never
have experienced anything like the subject matter in Get Out Of My House
but that song never fails to break me out in a cold sweat.  Maybe Happy
should take _Nausea_ by Jean-Paul Sartre and sing some of it; that might
scare me a little.  Maybe I just have problems associating someone named
Happy with evil music.

OK, "Step Inside" has just come on the tape and the badly programmed Roland
Juno-106 is making me want to take my stapler and stick it into my head.
This would be cotton candy to Edward Ka-Spel (lead dude of The LPDs), I
can't help thinking.  Strangely, Happy seems to fall victim to the same
problem that The LPDs do, namely, songs that sound the same.  She also uses
drum machines the same way they do.  It's uncanny.  I bet she's never even
*heard* an LPD album!  Vickie, ask her this for me.

OK, we're listening to The Wretches Gone Awry now, and it reminds me a lot
of Uncle Bonsai only it's not funny, which is a definite mark against it.
In fact, the pre-choral refrain (!) sounds EXACTLY like Uncle Bonsai.
Again, uncanny.  Actually, it is kind of funny, cos she sounds like Andrew
of Uncle Bonsai, rather than like one of the women!  And, Happy, I *can*
change what is, and I *can* make it die.  It withers in my scornful gaze.
God, she sounds like a fragile little art-school bunny.  "Come Here" is
like the LPDs in their Carnival Of Insanity mode, but not as extreme, of
course.  Happy is merely household strength, whereas I like my tunes to be
Industrial Strength.

God, I feel so guilty writing this, cos I just know that Vickie is going to
show it to Happy and they're both going to be so upset, but take heart,
ladies, I'm not your target audience, and I speak for maybe three
love-hounds.  Just ignore me, I'm a cranky old grouch (at age 22 no less)
whose day has come and gone.  I'm sure the art-school types will eat this
stuff up if you ever get signed.  It's too bad Rough Trade just died,
because they were distributing C'est La Mort, and you would have been a
dead cert for CLM.  Send them your CD, maybe they'll strike a new
distribution deal while you're waiting!  I mean, some of the crap on
Dr. Death's Volume IV is far worse than this tape.

Under And Over The Brink - it sounds EXACTLY like Uncle Bonsai again!  But
it's still not funny.  Very disconcerting.  "Because music's the way, the
only way I know..."  That bit is completely Uncle Bonsai.  And you should
try getting out more, Happy.  Music is most of my life, too, but I
occasionally manage to play pool, or pinball, or go to a party, or do
something else starting with "p."

"Not For Me" reminds me of something on one of the first two Eurythmics
albums, but I can't remember which one now.

"To The Funny Farm" sounds like an outtake from Pink Floyd's The Wall with
female vox.

"The Perfect Irony" - very Legendary Pink Dots-ish, not bad, but the lyrics
are wick-wick-wack.  Just pretend it's Cocteau Twinsy gibbering instead.
If I still hung on Morrisey's every word and was in high school, I'd
probably be scribbling the lyrics in the margin of my notebook during
class, or quoting it in the yearbook.

So, where does this leave us?  It's not beautiful enough to make me weep,
it's not different enough to make me take notice, it's not scary enough to
make me sweat, it's not catchy enough to make me hum it, and worst of all,
it doesn't even have a good dance beat, so you can't dance to it.

CONCLUSION:  You gotta be nuts to spend $12 on a cassette tape, no matter
what's on it.

Happy Recommendations:
	The Legendary Pink Dots - The Crushed Velvet Apocalypse
	The Legendary Pink Dots - The Maria Dimension
	The Legendary Pink Dots - Island Of Jewels
	The Legendary Pink Dots - Asylum
	The Legendary Pink Dots - The Tower (a bit primitive sounding in
					     comparison to the previous ones,
					     but devastating nonetheless)
	Uncle Bonsai - Boys Want Sex In The Morning
	Beautiful Pea Green Boat - Still Life (same gothic atmosphere, but
					better songs/vocals/production)
	Jonn&Jenn - Kate Rape (blatant plug, but it's good stuff kiddoes)
	Meat Beat Manifesto - 99% (has nothing to do with anything
				   mentioned in this entire article,
				   but it's a great album, full of mutant
				   hip hop, and it's being distributed by
				   Elektra so you can even buy it at
				   your local mall store)
-- 
Jon Drukman (down by law)                    uunet!sco!jondr      jondr@sco.com
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Always note the sequencer - this will never let us down.