My Bottom 10

[Jim Hofmann <hofmann@AMSAA.ARPA>]

                       10 MOST-HATED BANDS

[These are in no particular order]

1.  NIGHT RANGER.  One of the crop of MTV video stars [see Lauper, Idol,
Lewis et al.] though I have yet to figure out why.  Ok - these guys (I
think) are kinda cute.  Look sorta like Robert Plant clones.  And they
could be.  They have this video titled "Sister Christian."  I have yet
to figure out what the dang thing means but let's run it through.  Ok,
the NR is in some all-girls Catholic school.  And the camera follows this
one girl who like, moons around and then they graduate from the 
school or something and the song ends.  Nothing else happens 'cept the
NR guys leer at each other during the duration of the tune.  I think
this was a video that is, like, bi or something ... I mean, you can\
take it either way. This could be a song extolling the virtues of the
straight and narrow, just like the NR would probably like the parents
to think ... Have you ever heard the PMRC downgrade the NR?  **Or**
you could infer that the song is about a very, very, righteous Catholic
girl gang-bang (Sorry, Father).  Nonetheless, the music is boring and bland.

2.  JACKSON 5 - not Michael mind you and the "old" Jackson 5 (check out
Diana Ross presents LP - should be in the library).  It is the folks that
created that awful Victory LP and the resulting videos as well as backup
on that insipid, candyass Summer of Love '84 (m jackson).  One thing you
notice about the video (and don't ask me to name the song but it's the
one where the brothers are trapped in a funhouse), besides that it sucks
is the St. Michael doesn't appear at all.  That's because Mike is smart.
He knows the stuff sucks.  There is also one of the worst top 40 hits on
this LP called "State of Shock" with fellow rockstar, Mick Jagger.  Mike
as always hits those high notes and Mick grunts and shit throughout the
thing.  It sorta sound like a musical barnyard.  Did they ever make a 
video?  Does anyone care?

3.  HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS - Have you ever been at one of those bars 
where they play MTV or show their own videos?  I don't mind as long as they 
keep the sound down cause I don't have to look at 'em.  But I was at one
place one time, --- you know, those kinda bars where everyone is so stupid
that they *have* to turn the sound up so no one can hear all the 
stupid things they are saying to each other (I was there for the free
food and cheap beer).  Well, they queue up a video by HUEY LEWIS & NEWS
and you have to guzzle down your beer to get out of place and avoid
brain meltdown.  
Huey is know as the Face that Launched a Million VCRs.  But tha'ts all thats
there - a face.  Have you ever heard his band really lay down some jams?
I think they call themselves R&B but ...

4.  MOTLEY CRUE:  - My little sister is dating this minor league baseball
player and he told me one night about pulling into a lonely hotel and 
parking next to a gigantic and obviously expensive tour bus.  Al, or
whatever his name is, being the garrulous, friendly, amateur bus expert
that he is decided to approach the parallel bus and, you know, compare
notes.  There on the steps was sitting this female equivalent of Nikki
Sixx.  Al says, "Wow, neat bus ... How do you fellows rate?"  The
young thang fixed her sloe and banged eyes at Al and tartly replied, "AT'S
UH OTLY CRU, DONCHA NO?"  Al laughed wondering if he had heard a foreign
language, and asked again.  She replied again, "AT's UH OTLAY CRU, DONCHA
NO?"  Still barely understanding, he smiled and acted as if he did to which 
the groupie obviously seeing through his guise put on her best aristocratic
airs and said clearly, "It's the Motlay Crue, don't ya know?"  Al smiled
as if he did and promptly got the nickel tour of the bus (he was amazed).
He went back to his bus and asked his teamates, "Hey, anyone here ever
heard of the Motley Crue?"  To which they all responded in the negative.
   This doesn't have much to do with their music but if you know some
minor chords, I'm sure you could pick it up.  It does illustrate to 
me who the Motley Crue are aimed at .. young, impressionable and mostly
ignorant children.  People like these sleazebags make PMRC  a viable
solution (smiley face).

5.  TODD RUNGREN (sp?) - I hate Todd.  He makes me nauseous.  If you are
ever so drunk that you wanna throw up to feel better, try playing the lp
called Todd.  It'll do the trick.  Todd produced Patti Smiths last album
and she never recorded again.  Todd's greatest influence as of late are
THE BOBS and HALL AND OATES, a combination bound to induce nightmares
in young, impressionable children.  Ban this guy, PMRC!!!!

6.  NEW ORDER - This has gotta be the most ostentatious sell-out in recent
recording history.  The NEW ORDER consists of former members of the JOY
DIVISION.  They have signed with a label which does not promote it's 
artists, feeling (and perhaps rightly so) that promotion makes suicidal
egomaniacs out of normal people.  And with this bands background let's not
make any jokes.  NEW ORDER, unlike JOY DIVISION, creates "acceptable",
pompous pop and I dare you to prove otherwise.  I say, two more LP's
like the last one and they will be playing on Solid
 Gold.  Mark my words.  Hey - you wouldn't have believed the ALLMEN
BROTHERS would ever play Solid Gold and they did.

7.  HOWARD JONES - Dear Howard, Oh Howard!  How I hate you.  Let me
have your baby so I can kill it.  Your musak makes me wanna gag, fall
in my tracks and beat the floors in existential fury.  You bill yourself
as a New World performer - this sounds too much too me like a (yuck)
New AGE term.  Here are some of your lyrics:

               "AND DO YOU FEEL SCARED - I DO
 		BUT I WON'T STOP AND FALTER (?)
		AND IF WE THREW IT AWAY
		THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER
		WOW, WOW, WOW, ...."

This makes me sick, Howard and so does your ugly puss that insist pushing
at us in your insipid videos on the MTV.  
     Oh, and I hate your synthesizer work, too.  Stevie Wonder could sweep
you under the floor any day (as well as Thomas Dolby).

8.  JOHN  DENVER - The only real reason I think JD sucks is because they play
his damn "Country Boy" song during the 7th inning stretch at each Orioles'
game.  I've solved this problem though, with a boom box and a good collection
of hardcore tapes.

9.  LIEF GARRETT/ SHAUN CASSIDY/ DONNY OSMOND/ RICK SPRINGFIELD/ DAVID 
CASSIDY/ ADAM ANT/ FABIAN/ TONY ORLANDO/ CHRISTINE  / MADONNA/ or any 
other "artist" who gets promoted purely on his/her sex appeal when ther
are thousands of sexy, good performers and artists out there.   Bob
Mould or Gibby from the B-hole Surfers come to immediate mind.

10.  Tim, I can't see the BEATLES in the bottom 10.  I liked WHITE ALBUM
too much (but I may be partial for, ahem, personal reasons).  And Doug,
I liked the Partridge Family mainly for the absurdity of it all they
projected. {And who can forget those other great TV groups - "The Brady
Kids" and "Fat ALBERT and the Cosby Kids", "Josie and The Pussycats" and
of course (ah yes) "Archie"}  So, who is left?  There's LORDS OF THE NEW
CHURCH (but I liked the DEADBOYS) ... I got it - THE FIXX!  No, then again,
I don't know much of their stuff.  Hmm.  THINK THINK - I got  it EBN OZN
- nah, I hate the name and the videos but ... nah, um ROGER DALTRY!  nope.
How about ROD STEWART - well I hate his voice and all but I liked some
of his early stuff ... Then's there's BRUCE SPRINSTEEN but everyone
has been flaming him lately (see SPIN) so I'll lay off Brucie ... Hmm,
David Soul? Or Steve Perry perhaps (remember the video where he shaves
off his mustache.  I don't ) ... and of course THE ROLLING STONES - sorta
a colloquy of Tim's maxim about hardcore bands - any band that calls themselves
THE GREATEST ROCK AND ROLL BAND IN THE WORLD and then puts on shows like
the one I saw in Hampton for the Tattoo You tour is setting themselves up
for much ridicule.  But there is also JOHN TRAVOLTA, JUICE NEWTON, PAT
BENATAR, OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, NEIL DIAMOND, BARRY MANILOW, MELLISA MANCHESTER,
THE GIBB FAMILY, MR T., NEIL SEDAKA, CAPTAIN AND TENILLE, THE BEACH BOYS, ABC,
ALLISON MOYET, KRISTY MCALL, DONHO, FRANK SINATRA (JR AND SR), NANCY SINATRA,
POPE JOHN PAUL II, CLINT EASTWOOD, JULIAN LENNON, YOKO ONO, SEAN LENNON,
Whew I could go on forever.  How about if I just say No. 10 is miscellaneous
and leave it at that.

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A proud watcher of Deviant TV - hofmann@amsaa.ARPA  
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