NON-KATE: Busy student: hilarious phone calls

["Stuart M. Castergine" <scasterg@cd.columbus.oh.us>]

Hooee! I just got off the phone with Kevin Lipsitz and Company. Wow. What 
a bunch of sleazeballs. Here's a paraphrased transcript (wish I'd had a 
tape recorder on. They probably did.)

It starts out slow, but once you see Charles and Deep Voice go into 
action, you'll love it. Talking to Deep Voice was like using an old copy 
of the Eliza Pseudo-AI program!

...

Woman: Hello, how may I help you?

Me: May I speak to Kevin Lipsitz?

Woman: may I ask who's calling?

Me: Stuart Castergine, from The Columbus Dispatch.

	[pause, go on hold]


Woman: What is this in reference to?

Me: Abusive use of the internet.

Woman: [a little nervous] Hold on.

Man (Charles): Hello, this is Charles, who am I speaking to.

Me: Stuart Castergine, the Columbus Dispatch

Charles: Spell your last name.

Me: [complies, he gets it wrong a bunch of times, I correct him]

Charles: Spell yor first name.

Me: [comply]

Charles: Your phone number

Me: 614-469-6113

Charles: Company Name

Me: The Columbus Dispatch

Charles: What's that?

Me: We're one of the largest newspapers in the country

Charles: What product are you interested in?

Me: I'm not interested in a product I'm---

Charles: [interrupting] Are you interestedinblahblahblahblah--

Me: [interrupting] If you'd just be quiet a second, I'd tell you.

Charles: [yelling] WHAT. YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING AND--

Me: [trying to get a word in edgewise] I'm not trying to sell you anything.

Charles: [still yelling, not listening] ARE YOU CRAZY. WHY YOU BLAH BLAH 
BLAH BLAH BLAH... [CLICK]

....

Me: [redialing]

Charles: Hello

Me: You seem to be under the misconception that I'm trying to sell you 
something. I--

Charles: [YELLING] WHATEVER YOU'RE SELLING WE DON'T WANT IT. DON'T CALL 
HERE AGAIN! [CLICK]

...

Me: [redialing]

Man 2 (Deep Voice): Hello, who's calling please.

Me: This is Stuart Castergine, The Columbus Dispatch.

[my memory gets foggy at this point, but this is the gist of it]

Deep Voice: How may I direct your call?

Me: Who do I speak to about your company's use of the internet?

Deep Voice:  I don't know. Do you know the four-digit extension of the 
department or person you wish to speak to.

Me: Um, I'd like to speak to your internet marketing department.

Deep Voice: I don't know that we have one. Do you know the four digit 
number of the department you wish to speak to.

Me: May I speak to your system administrator

Deep Voice: We don't have one. Do you know the four-digit number of the 
department you wish to speak to.

Me: Uh, give me Kevin Lipsitz's extension

Deep Voice: Mr. Lipsitz only takes calls by appointment

Me: May I speak to your legal department.

Deep Voice: We don't have one

Me: may I speak to whover handles leagal affairs for your company?

Deep Voice: That's an off-site number

Me: Can you give it to me?

Deep Voice: Unless you know the four-digit code for the department you 
wish to speak to, I can't help you.

Me: How am I supposed to find out the four digit code?

Deep Voice: If you don't know it, you shouldn't be calling here.

Me: How am I supposed to sue you if I don't know the four digit 
extension?

Deep Voice: What?

Me: What number do I call to sue you?

Deep Voice: [click]

....

Me: [redialing]

Woman from phone call one: Hello

Me: Hello, I'm calling about abusive use of the internet.

Woman: [click]

scasterg@dispatch.com == Stuart M. Castergine        |              ---
All young gentle dreams drowning                     | "Mmm, yes."   |/
In life's grief                                      |               |\
Can you hang on to me? --Kate Bush, _Big Stripey Lie_|