Never Again (was B'jorn Again)

[WretchAwry <vickie@pilot.njin.net>]

Sorry |>oug

YIKES!  I'm being told left, right and center to SHUT UP and GO AWAY!

Ok.  I will, I *PROMISE*.

Anyone who knows me knows that I take such things very seriously, so
this is my *LAST* post on the matter.  It's not too long.  Breathe 
a sigh of relief, all of you.  Read or don't read this, it's all the 
same to me. With this post, I've said all I'm going to say. 

For those who *do* read this, perhaps it will be read, not as a 
personal vendetta gone public, but as a lesson in how to treat 
human beings in pain.  Is that a "KATE-like" enough reason? 

I'm *not* going to go through Jorn's post item by item, though I
could.  This is what I want to say:

Jorn Barger wrote:

> Vickie's had a rough life, and for the last couple of years she's been
> trying to make peace with some very painful memories.

That's the nicest thing you've said to (or about) me in ages. Amazing!

> I tried to be supportive, to the extent where last March I sat and
> listened for several hours *at my insistence* to things she'd hardly 
> told anyone. ... 

I swear, I can't understand why someone who fancies himself as compassionate
as you do responded to me the way you did. 

What you never remembered, or acknowledged, was that the reason you 
"insisted" was because I'd quit talking to you about my past *months*
before. The March night referred to above was "Story, Part *2*." 

"Story, Part *1*" was when I tried to tell you why my (clinical) depression
was getting worse and worse. I had been trying desperately to understand
my suicidal feelings, self-hatred, depression and fear. After years of
being happy, everything seemed to be crashing down on me for no reason.
Finally I figured out <long, complicated, "how" story deleted> that my
depression had to do with a chilhood full of sexual molestation, rape, 
and being an unloved and unwanted child <...I do know that many kids have 
had it much worse than I did, I realize that. I wasn't mangled, maimed or
murdered and I'm alive to tell my story>.

When I first started "testing the waters" in telling other people, I was
*terrified*, not knowing what people would think of me. However, I got
nothing but support, until...

Until I tried to tell you, my very good friend at the time. I never got
past the part about being regularly molested (between the ages of 2 to 6)
by a neighbor.  You were more interested in talking about how other
cultures view what "we" would call "molestation" (i.e. not all cultures
consider it a Bad Thing) and how James Joyce slept with his daughter.

No matter how fascinating such discussions might be, I really needed
compassion at that point in time, not a "it's not always so bad" lecture.
So I quit talking to you about it. We were still friends, but I just 
didn't want to talk to you about my past anymore, not knowing what you'd
say.  To be sure, such revelations are uncomfortable to give and to
hear. Many times, people *don't* know what to say. Still, a simple "I'm
sorry that happened to you and that it's causing you such pain" is *much*
better than trying to justify(?)...make light of(?)...intellectualize(?).
I didn't blame you though. It's easy to forgive a friend for saying the 
wrong thing at the wrong time when the subject is such an uncomfortable one.

But that's why you had to "insist" that I tell you the rest of my story. 
I was suprised that you'd even remembered that there *was* more. Sorry,
but it's true. I thought you'd forgotten all about it. So ok, you're my
friend, it's been months since the last attempt, I'll try it again.
 
> ... This must have been June, and it was only at this point that I 
> got Chris's 'secret reason' for hating me: Vickie had told him <about>
> that night in March, she had told me an especially painful scene
> and I had responded in a horribly callous fashion.

Oh, I didn't tell him right away, or else you would have heard from him
sooner. I didn't tell him until *after* you two had your little tiff
about starting a radio station, when you turned on Chris for him just 
trying to tell you the *truth* about how hard such an undertaking was. 
Chris had helped get KKFI in Kansas City (a 100,000 watt Community
station) on the air, building the production studios. Chris was only 
actively involved during the last year before it went on the air. The
founders had been working a total of *11 years* to get the station up 
and running. Chris knew what he was talking about. You didn't know squat, 
yet you accused Chris of "being negative" and trying to thwart your 
"Grand Plan."

> I will let Vickie decide how she wants to tell her side of that story,
> but the version I heard was not at all how I remembered it, and the
> story being told was utterly inconceivable for me...

I re-wrote this next part I don't know how many different times. Should
it be in-depth, complete with emotional responses?  Should it be cold
and impersonal, taking out the pain? Or should it just be a...

Helpful Hint:  When a woman who trusts you has told you her story about
being raped at age 13, *never* *ever* say that it's "a typical male 
fantasy to get a girl in that position."  Never, ever, indicate that 
rape makes for "a good sexual fantasy."

Never do that, OK?

After hearing the story, looking as if you're deep in thought, looking
as if you're trying to find compassionate words to say, words that will
make the storyteller feel better about opening up to you, prompting her
to ask "what are you thinking?", *never* say that you can't answer because
you're too busy thinking about what a great sexual fantasy the scenario
you just heard was.

Never do that, OK?

It puts the person telling the story into *SHOCK*, which is why I didn't
scream at you...which is why I figured I might as well tell you about
the other ones and give you even more "fantasy fodder" if that's what
you wanted...which is why I didn't tell Chris right away...

It causes *ENORMOUS* psychological damage to the person telling the
story. Some immediate, some delayed. Not good, especially if that person 
(ME, in case you forgot) is dealing with enormous psychological damage 
to begin with.  For one thing, it causes the person telling the story to 
be *very* wary about telling anybody else, if that's how a "Good Friend"
reacts. 

Besides, it tends to ruin friendships, and cause flame wars in gaffa.

> ...but I still immediately sent Vickie an apology for her hurt.

I don't remember this Jorn. I can't say that you didn't e-mail me, but
if you did, why did you (according to your story) wait months after
that March night?  Oh yeah, I forgot, you didn't *know* that you had
hurt me. You didn't *know* that what you'd said to me had likely caused
me problems.  You didn't *know* that what you'd said was totally and
completely inappropriate and callous.  Sorry I didn't enlighten you, but
I didn't think it was my job to point these things out to you.  Chris,
though, was more than happy to, which is why you hate Chris.

> How bout we try to forgive and forget?

Sorry, no.  Not when you keep trying to act like you're the compassionate,
"soulful" kind of guy that Kate would just love to hang around with. 

I'll forget it insofar as I won't bring it up in gaffa again, but I'll
never *forget* and I can't forgive that you, to this day, continue to
deny what you said, and that you *still* don't consider it to be an 
important indication of your own lack of compassion towards me and 
other rape victims.  Be an insensitive clod, if you must. The world is
full of them.  Just quit coming up with "persecution" delusions because
Chris and I are past being fooled by your oh-so-sensitive "veneer."

Not that you're important to me anymore...I've got *far* more traumatic
things to worry about. You're small potatos, Jorn.  Take a number.

Vickie

ps, who called all this a "soap opera"?  This is real-life.  Sorry, but 
life is what happens while music gets bought and listened to, posts get
posted, and the net gets read.  Excuse me for intruding...


"It lay buried here, it lay deep inside me. It's so deep I don't 
     think that I can speak about it...to anyone.  It could take
          me all my life, or it could only take a moment to tell
                                        you what I'm feeling..." KTB