Kate Endorsements

[rhill@pnet01.cts.com (Ronald Hill)]

I found this in an old STILL BREATHING. 


Here's something from an old STILL BREATHING that I always thought was kinda
cute.   

KATE NOT ENDORSING COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS
-------------------------------------
By Bob Davis

        I've noticed that Kate hasn't endorsed any commercial products that I
know of.  Which, I always think, says a lot for artistic integrity. 
Especially since I could imagine she could use the money for things for her
recording studio.  I was wondering how many offers she has had.  So, I
imagined this scenario...
        Kate and Del are having afternoon tea, cones and scramble tofu at her
home, when suddenly, like always, the doorbell rings, not for the first time
that week.  

KATE: Oh dear, Del, would you be so kind as to peek out the window and tell me
it's not that product marketing salesman gain. 
DEL: It's not that marketing salesman again.  Anything for you, Kate. 
KATE: Thanks, Del.  I knew you wouldn't let me d...
PRODUCT MARKETING SALESMAN (P.M.S): Open up, Kate!  I've got some more offers,
and I know you can't refuse these! 
DEL (opening door): Don't worry, Kate.  I'll take care of him.  Sir, don't you
think it's about time you gave up?  We've been through this over and over. 
Kate does not want to license HOUNDS OF LOVE dog food.  She's not interested
in singing a jingle for your WEDDING LIST catering service.  She is not going
to sing THEM HEAVY PEOPLE for your Slim-N-Trim weight loss program.  She
wouldn't dream of letting you use GET OUT OF MY HOUSE for you ant and roach
killer.  She is definitely unwilling to let THE BIG SKY be used to sell
telescopes.  She wouldn't be caught dead singing FEEL IT to plug you skin
softening soap, and if you dare let your from the Navy recruiter use a
lyrically altered ARMY DREAMING for promotion, I guarantee you will soon face
the wrath of Zoodle's ghost.  Now I think that about covers everything. 
P.M.S: Oh no, not quite!  My colleagues and I have come up with many
revolutionary new idea since we last spoke.  We'd really like to use Kate's
song BREATHING in ads for our new and improved Decongest-N-Rest nasal mist! 
Helps unclog those stuffed nasal pas...
DEL: I'll unclog some other passages of yours if you don't get....
P.M.S.: We've also developed a revolutionary new diaper and we'd like to use
PULL OUT THE PIN.  We'd like to use RUNNING UP THAT HILL to plug our new
health spa where you can go, work out, and get in shape so you can run up
those hills with no problem.  YOu must be getting awfully weak from all that
rabbit food. 
DEL : All right, that does...
P.M.S: In case you're one of those people who is constantly woken up in the
morning by those noisy leaf blowers, you should know about our new silent leaf
blower.  We'd like to use BLOW AWAY for that. 
KATE: (Who has now come to the door): Over my dead body!  And Minnie's,
Moony's, Vicious', Buggy's, Sandy's...
P.M.S: Ah, yes, Minnie!  Minnie Wickerdom.  She did that song "Loving You", I
remember.  And I'm sure she would have loved for you to let us use ALL THE
LOVE for our new special rate long distance phone service.  And THERE GOES A
TENNER for our new bank investment offer.  And HAMMER HORROR for our new shock
resistant carpenter gloves!  No more painful blows to your thumbs when you
miss the nail...
DEL: How would you like a painful blow to your....
P.M.S: And think of the possibilities if we could use THE KICK INSIDE for our
new home pregnancy test...
KATE: You've got a lot of...
P.M.S: And this is really brilliant... Are you mean as a witch when you get up
in the morning?   Then you must having morning breath... the worst breath of
the day.  Use our revolutionary new mouthwash and your friends will never have
to worry about WAKING THE WITCH! 
DEL: Are you insulting...
P.M.S: And if you could be so kind as to let us use COFFEE HOMEGROUND, because
we only use the best mountain grown flaked crystals for the richest, most
aromatic kind coffee...
DEL: I've got a marvelous idea for a new video of JAMES AND THE COLD GUN, and
a certain pushy marketing salesman I know who would be great to play a primary
part in it.  So, you just run along now and don't come back unless you'd like
that idea to become reality!  (Del slams the door, P.M.S leaves. Kate and Del
return to their chairs.)
KATE: I thought Mrs. Olsen had retired by now. 
DEL: Who. 
KATE: That coffee lady who used to be on the telly. 
DEL (Sipping his tea): Must've been her husband. 


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