Dreams Word Newsletter Information (& oatmeal)

[datta@vacs.uwp.wisc.edu (David Datta)]

Alternate-Reply-To-If-Mail-To-Greg-Fails: datta@vacs.uwp.wisc.edu (Dave Datta)

About a week ago, Alan Vymetalik posted a bunch of stuff concerning a
newsletter he found in the Portland area. Well, concurrently, through
some other channels I have found some more about the newsletter. It is
called Dreams Word. It is printed in Portland Oregon. If you would like
to e-mail questions about Dreams Word and the organization that prints
it (Electronic Dreams), you can contact Greg Planting (CompuServe
account 73067,2314 [73067.2314@compuserve.com for Internet folk]) I am
in no way qualified to answer questions about the newsletter or the
organization so replies will be forwarded to Greg. I have changed the
Reply line in this article to his address but if you have problems
mailing, I will be happy to forward any messages to him.

I can, however, give you a (really) short description of the newsletter
I have seen two different issues & I am impressed with what I read.

The newsletter consists of interviews, reviews, misc information, and
classified ads all pertaining to Electronic Music. I feel this is a
VERY good newsletter, it is not currently available via e-mail but you
can subscribe (national & international) and they are willing to send
sample copies (Please contact Greg for postage costs & such).

The information in the newsletter is up to date & I have found a lot of
interesting release information and artist information that I did not
know (& I like to think I know quite a bit about the stuff I listen to
:-)

Greg and Elana Mell Beach (the editor) are working on a better
description, I will post it as soon as they finish.

Please write, I am sure Greg would be interested in hearing from you.
In addition to Electronic Music, he is interested in Art of Noise,
Depeche Mode, Yello and many others.

To keep today interesting, here is something that Greg sent me that
I think you will find both interesting and fun...

If you reproduce this, Lauri requests that it be done in full and with
full credit given to her.  (with her address included)

               Test Your Oatmeal Quotient (O.Q.)

By  Lauri Paisley
    Methylunna Music
    812 Murray Street #2E
    Elizabeth , NJ 07202

This is a test which will prove your current mental faculties (or the
lack thereof). It's purpose is to determine the amount of oatmeal in
your brain (i.e., your O.Q.). This test is designed to prevent the
usage of synthesizers, sequencers, drum machines and other dangerously
sensitive devices of this nature during times when the ratio of oatmeal
to brain cells is high - for instance, before noon or at least three
cups of coffee. If this test determines that you have a high O.Q., it
is extremely recommended that you do not use this type equipment until
you wake up or get sober.

1.  Which is the best application for the ADSR envelope functions?

    a.  In bed with your honey.
    b.  In bed with your ARP 2600.
    c.  Driving in traffic.
    d.  All of the above, and then some.

2.  What is the purpose of synthesizers?

    a.  To expand the language of profanity.
    b.  To change flat tires.
    c.  To undermine the institution of the American family.

3.  Mark each statement True, False or Sometimes:

    a.  It is immoral to plug a patchcord into a brand new synthesizer
        unless the two of you are legally married
    b.  The earth's magnetic field will disappear in 1991.
    c.  Combining waveforms is not the only way to generate harmonics.
    d.  The average temperature in Syracuse, New York is absolute
        zero.
    e.  All TV sets need tubal ligations.
    f.  People with good eyesight have fiber optic nerves.
    g.  You have compelling sexual fantasies in assembly language.
    h.  You should always clean tape heads with Pepsi.
    i.  You will have brighter teeth and fresher breath if your brand
        of toothpaste contains iron filings.
    j.  Monty Python eats rabbits.
    k.  It is a crime against nature to smell like Beethoven's
        Moonlight Sonata.
    l.  The most nutritious diet for human beings is largely composed
        of cold spaghetti.
    m.  The solution to the world's problems is deeply buried inside
        ketchup molecules.
    n.  Your oscilloscope is pregnant.
    o.  Those colored rings around resistors really signify their
        sexual orientation.
    p.  Drugs have nothing to do with this.

4.  Which of these T-shirt sayings would you wear?

    a.  "Me and My I.C."
    b.  "Electricians do it till it Hz."
    c.  "I'm naked under these clothes."
    d.  "Synthesizers do it with Frequency."
    e.  "If you have a Synclavier, I'm single!"

5.  Match the appropriate situations with their emotional responses:

    a.  Due to your error, you save a       1.  Suicide.
        sequence in the wrong file,
        which causes the loss of your
        original file - the one that
        contained your entire concert
        set.  It is now two hours to
        setup and soundcheck, and you
        don't have a backup disk.
    b.  Power failure in the studio as      2.  Suicide.
        you're on take # 2,696,717,065.
        You were towards the end of this
        take and this was the first time
        you'd played it right in all
        those other takes.
    c.  Someone switches off the            3.  Suicide.
        power source to all your
        digital synths and doesn't
        tell you, right before you're
        to give a concert to a packed
        house.
    d.  You're giving a concert 500         4.  Suicide.
        miles from home.  After driving
        to the gig, loading your
        massively heavy gear up mega-
        stairs and setting up/wiring
        onstage, you discover that you
        left all your disks at home.

6.  Yes or No:  Did you know that you can take a hallucinogenic trip by
    licking the bodies of a certain species of toad?

6A. Essay Question:  Which of the following public figures do you think
    would be the most likely to be caught licking toads for psychedelic
    purposes?

        Cyndi Lauper, Jessica Hahn, Mikhail Gorbachev, Mickey Mouse,
        Tanya Dacri, Dan Quayle, Walter Cronkite or Klaus Schulze?

7.  Match these situations with their appropriate reactions:

    a.  You've just discovered your         1.  Murder.
        infant nephew using your
        floppy disk patch library
        for teething toys.
    b.  Your cat defecates on the           2.  Murder.
        front panel of your brand
        new Roland D-50.
    c.  On his/her way from the             3.  Murder.
        backstage area to the
        audience seating area of your
        concert, your lover trips over
        a patchcord and sends your
        Emulator III flying.
    d.  The moving men carelessly toss      4.  Murder
        the boxes containing your
        studio equipment on the floor
        at your new house.

8.  Which of the following are necessary to include in a demo package to
    a major record label?

    a.  A 15 ips half track stereo master Tapeworm.
    b.  Two kilos of cocaine.
    c.  Your soul.

9.  Essay Question:  In ten words or less, explain why telepathy won't
    work with wall furniture.

10. Match these occasions to their probable psychomatic reactions:

    a.  Your studio blows up           1.  Lung cancer, if you're lucky.
    b.  You are over 30.               2.  Massive heart attack.
    c.  You see strange little         3.  Stroke.
        symbols in your drum
        machine's LCD.
    d.  You catch a whiff of the       4.  Alzheimer's disease.
        New Jersey Turnpike.

11. What is "phenylketonuria"?

    a.  A word that programmers of DX-7's scream in frustrated
        hysteria.
    b.  A disease characterized by the inability to metabolize
        phenylalanine, causing an eventual case of mental retardation.
        The first symptom is a blue-green ring in the baby's urinous
        diaper.
    c.  The next development in synthesizer technology, to succeed FM
        synthesis, linear algorithm synthesis, etc.

12. When is it morally permissible to kill somebody?

    a.  If he/she spills beer in your mixing board.
    b.  If he/she waves a powered-up demagnetizer over all of your
        floppy disks and master tapes.
    c.  If he/she accidentally erases the patch you just spent the
        last four days creating from scratch on your DX-7.

13. Bonus Item:  Sing to the tune of "Home on the Range":

    Oh give me a home
    Where the synthesizers roam
    Where the filters and VCO's play
    Where seldom is heard
    A non-technical word
    And the LED's flash on all day

    Ohm, Ohm on the range
    Where the track and the sequences play
    Where  seldom is heard
    A non-technical word
    And the LCD's glow every day.

Scoring:  If you actually read this far, much less tried to answer these
questions, you obviously have no brain cells, only oatmeal between your
ears.  Letting you anywhere near a synthesizer would be comparable to
starting a global thermonuclear war.  It would be wise for you to take
up a hobby such as making yellow ceramic ashtrays, or perhaps starting a
collections of massive winged insects.  Above all:  Don't drive and
drink, don't drink and drive - accidents cause people!!

By  Lauri Paisley
    Methylunna Music
    812 Murray Street #2E
    Elizabeth , NJ 07202


--
-Dave datta@vacs.uwp.wisc.edu