Back to Dreaming E. MisK
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 85 09:35:44 edt
From: Doug Alan <nessus>
Subject: Re: Bosch schizophrenic?
It's not that difficult to come up with images like these. Here's a certified, guaranteed method for doing it: (1) Stay awake for 48 hours (2) Place a blank piece of paper and pen next to your bed (3) Eat 1 quart of Vlassic Deli Dill Pickles (4) Eat one pint of Ben and Jerries Dastardly Mash or Heathbar Crunch icecream (5) Put on the "The Dreaming" at a loud volume level (6) Go to sleep (7) When you wake up write down what you were dreaming about (8) Go to 5.
When you wake up in the morning, you may find what you have written down on the paper to be quite strange! And you don't even need to bathe in goat's milk....
"Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream"
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 86 11:12:25 EDT
From: James B Hofmann <hofmann@AMSAA.ARPA>
Subject: PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!
THE OFFICIAL KATE BUSH SKATEBOARD!!!!
complete with digital readout!
built in radio controlled walkman/diskman with transmitter!
PLUS --- a special compartment for your quiche and brie!
Comes decorated with a ACTUAL reproduction of the cover of The Dreaming
signed by Kate PERSONALLY!!!!
Get one now! Get two! Get a hundred!!!!! Supplies are limited....
only $199.95 ... that's $199.95 ... ONly $199.95 ... again that's $199.95!!!
ACT NOW AND GET A FREEEEEEEE pair of Kate Bush JAMS and ELBOWPADS!!! AND A pair of official Kate Bush sunglasses JUST like the ones she wore during the infamous Doug Alan Love Hounds interview!!!! AND if you act now, right now, we'll give you some Free!!! Soap scrapings, pubic hairs, Kate cat food and cigarette butts!
only $199.95 ... that's $199.95.... visa and mastercard accepted - operators are standing by... call 1-800-BUY-BUSH ... that's 1-800-BUY-BUSH!!!
Do it now!
Date: Sat, 27 Dec 86 20:39:58 EST
From: drukman%UMass.BITNET@WISCVM.WISC.EDU (Jonathan S. Drukman)
Subject: the Young Ones
A friend of mine from New Jersey was up visiting for Xmas, and among the cassettes he brought with him was a tape of Comic Relief, the British Version, in which the Young Ones (from the BBC-2 tv show, which is amazingly juvenile and stupid, but insanely funny) poked a bit of fun at Kate. I can't remember the lines exactly but apparently Vyvyan was on the floor jumping on Neil...
Mike: Vyvyan, get off. That's not Kate Bush, it's Neil!
Vyvyan: It is not, Michael. Kate Bush is underneath, I'm using Neil as a contraceptive.
Well, not exactly earthshaking I'll admit, but it was funny at the time, and ghod I'm bored...
Date: Mon, 8 Feb 88 17:27:18 EST
Subject: More phun from "Jelly Roll" Steve Berlin...
Some interesting facts about Kate Bush:
o Kate Bush was a musical prodigy - her first album, "The Kick Inside", was recorded when she was only 4 years old.
o Kate is the shortest musician in Europe - a mere 18" tall!
o Although Kate has been popular in England, she was unable to get airplay in America due to the FCC's Minimum Height Regulations. This law was made in 1942 to keep Japaneese off the airwaves, and was not overturned until 1986, which allowed Kate to get her first American hit single.
o Ms. Bush is in charge of all aspects of her live shows - From the choosing of the band members to the choreography to running the lighting board to being usher.
o Yes, Kate Bush *IS* related to Vice President George Bush. However, George is the sole memeber of the Bush clan never to appear on any of Kate's albums.
o If you play the last line of "Leave it Open" backwards, you can distinctly hear Kate say "Paul has been dead for years."
o Kate is heavily influenced by liturature. For example, "Wuthering Heights" is based on a novel by Harold Robbins.
o Film is another large influence for Kate. Example: "Hammer Horror" is an ode to American International Films.
o If you listen carefully to the second verse of the title track of "The Dreaming", you can hear Paul Hogan drinking a Foster's.
o The second side of "The Hounds of Love" is a concept piece about the endless arguments of pimply white males over which Kate album is better.
o Kate has been married for three years to Jerry Lee Lewis.
o Kate Bush, due to both her seasickness and her fear of flying, refuses to go to amusement parks.
o The album "The Kick Inside" was released with 517 different album cover designs.
o IED owns all of them.
o Last but not least, Kate is doing the soundtrack to a film by Nicholas Rogue, based on his very popular computer game.
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 88 17:10:22 EST
From: ugpoltr1@cs.Buffalo.EDU (Jim Poltrone)
Subject: New Kate Bush album to be called "An Unearthly Child"
Got his piece of news from someone I know in Britain (no, not IED):
After three years since her album "Hounds of Love", famed British performace artist Kate Bush has gone into studio to work on her most recent album, tentatively titled "An Unearthly Child". The album is scheduled to be released on 23 November 1988, the date which lots of people remember as the 25th anniversary of "Doctor Who".
For twenty-five years, the time lord has been flying through our skies, and our TV sets. Recently, the programme has not been one of the BBC's most popular shows, and some people have been leery that the programme would eventually be cancelled.
However, according to the show's producer, John Nathan-Turner, there are plans for this season to be one of the best. "We're very confident that this will be a banner year for the programme", said Nathan-Turner. "In fact, to co-incide with the release of Kate's album, she is going to have a guest role in one of the stories this season. In fact, it's the first appearance of a musical artist since the Beatles over twenty years ago. One of my production unit managers, Gary Downie, has been a fan of Kate for some time now, and he's looking forward to working with her."
Kate herself is thrilled with being associated with the programme.
"I remember seeing the very first Doctor Who, in November of '63. In fact, I used to hide behind the sofa a lot when the Daleks first appeared. John always used to taunt me about that. Since then, he's been following the show more closely than I have been. But it was Paddy's idea that I appear on the show, after Bonnie [Langford] had her stint. He said 'You can do better than that'. So I talked to my agent about it, and he rang up Mr. Nathan-Turner."
"It was after I landed the part that I thought of using Doctor Who as the basis for my latest album. I used to think of myself as Susan --the first companion -- and what it would be like to travel through time and space from a child's point of view. Each of the songs are going to be filled with a feeling of wonder and innocence."
BBC-1 controller Jonathan Powell, when asked about the programme's future, said "This doesn't mean we're changing the direction of Doctor Who into a song-and-dance variety show. We still plan on keeping the drama as the main feature. I feel having Kate Bush on the programme is a major coup for us, and given her popularity, it will mean a higher share of the ratings for the programme."
(From the Guardian, 1 April 1988)
[Dr. Who as the basis for a KB album??? Now, that's something I hadn't ever imagined!!! Hmmm.... -- |>oug ]
[Many people took this April-fool hoax for real and it caused some irritation. --WIE]
Date: Tue, 2 Aug 88 19:29:34 PDT
From: dhsu@SUN.COM (David Hsu)
Subject: Dave takes a ponderous look at his fellow Hounds
From K. Crissey:
> I won't argue with you. I don't often bring Kate's lyrics to work with me 8-) and I'll admit it, there are still Kate lyrics that I *don't know* verbatim. 8-)
You *winged* it? Ken, I expect you to have EVERY SINGLE HUMAN SOUND THAT KATE EVER RECORDED fully memorized, with time and durations, by next Monday. :-)
Date: Mon, 12 Sep 88 14:29 EST
Subject: 'the' in "The Man With..."
> From: Douglas Weiman <WEIMAN@SRI-NIC.ARPA>
> I can't wait until we discuss the meaning behind the word "the" in the title of Man with the Child...
C'mon, Doug, don't you see it? It's very significant that Kate used 'the' instead of 'a'. She is, of course, referring to a specific child, as opposed to some vague concept of 'child'. Naturally, 'the' child, without any other information, implies the Christ child. Now, any other writer might have capitolized it in the lyrics, i.e. "The man with the Child in his eyes." But Kate, being the clever woman she is, doesn't want people to get everything handed to them on a silver platter, and so she *didn't* capitolize it, her intention being to confuse us in this matter. I hope this has cleared some things up. Next time: the use of the word 'of' in "In Search of Peter Pan".
From: tlh@PacBell.COM (Lee Hounshell)
Date: 22 Jun 89 20:05:49 GMT
Subject: The One True God (was: Kate Bush's "THE WHOLE STORY")
Todd, perchance this will enlighten you..
In The beginning, There was only The musiK of KaTe, buT few Knew of iTs exisKTence, and fewer sTill undersTood The beauTy of her message. And for The few, much pondering was given To This and how her message mighT be shared. And from this a greaT plan was KreaTed, and This plan worKTed Thusly..
On The firsT day, man KreaTed The NET. And Then afTer much labor, man looKed down aT his KreaTion and said unTo himself, "This is good, buT alone iTs exisKTence serves no purpose for KaTe." And so iT was ThaT on The seKond day, man labored again and placed inTo his NET many groups. And he allowed for These groups To range and feed from many far away lands so ThaT TogeTher They mighT form The Tree of all Knowledge. And aT The end of The second day, man looKed down on his KreaTions and said "IT is good, buT This sTill does noT serve KaTe." And so iT was. Then, on The morning of The Third day, man seT unTo himself The TasK of finishing The NET by KreaTing and molding unTo iT a greaT paTch fashioned from The rib of one of The men. And a man Kalled IED gave This paTch unTo The NET and he named iT. And iT was Kalled "reK.musiK.gaffa." And KaTe looKed down on This newesT KreaTion and saw ThaT iT was good. And on The evening of ThaT day, There was much rejoicing, for here man Kould have a place To refleKT on all ThaT was pure and good and beauTiful. And so iT was.
Then, on The morning of The fourTh day, one of The men who had noT been paying much aTTenTion To all ThaT was pure and good and beauTiful looKed down and said unTo The NET "whaT is all This?" And The oTher men saw iT and spaKe unTo him, "This is a place To worship all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful. This is an alTer for KaTe Bush." And The man looKed aT Them and said "KaTe who?", for he did noT yeT undersTand. And The oThers TooK iT upon Themselves To Teach This man so ThaT he mayesT also Know of The joys and wonders of all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful. And The man lisTened, buT he was slow and aKusTomed To oTher Things. And The man Kould noT undersTand The joys and wonders of all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful. And on The evening of The fourTh day, The man slepT lisTlessly, for even afTer much encouragemenT, he sTill Kould noT see. And The oTher men looKed down on This man and said unTo him while he slepT, "He will learn, for he is sTill jusT a flegling To The Knowledge of The joys and wonders of all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful." And so iT was. Then on The morning of The fifTh day, The man awoKe and his eyes were opened. And he saw and undersTood. And The man said unTo himself, "WOW! man, This musiK is ToTally awesome!"
And on The fifTh day, The man seT himself The TasK of learning more of The joys and wonders of all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful. So he spaKe unTo The NET and said, "show me more." And The oTher men saw This and They said unTo Themselves, "IT is good." And on The fifTh day, much email was senT unTo The man Telling him again of The joys and wonders of all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful. So The man lisTened, and wondered aT all ThaT was said unTo him. And The man, in his desire To learn more, Traveled afar and boughT all of The KaTe Bush musiK he Kould find. And he lisTened To iT all, buT again he Kould noT undersTand, even Though he ached for more of all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful. And on The evening of The fifTh day, The man again slepT lisTlessly, for he sTill Kould noT see and ThoughT himself To be blind.
BuT on The morning of The sixTh day, The man's eyes were again opened. And on ThaT day he undersTood and he rejoiced. The man Told many of his friends of The joys and wonders of all ThaT is pure and good and beauTiful so ThaT They mayesT also share Them. And many of Them ThoughT him To be Krazy. BuT he did noT Kare. And The man subsKribed To "reK.musiK.gaffa" and wondered ThaT he Kould have been so blind before. And Then, The man made This posTing so ThaT he mighT ThanK The NET and oTher men for helping him To see. And on The sevenTh day, The men resTed. And on ThaT day they lisTened again and wondered aT The greaTness of The musiK of This KaTe Bush.. BuT Then, on The evening of The sevenTh day, The KreaTor of This place for KaTe, IED, began To quesTion The worTh of iT's exisKTence and This worried The men, for many had learned much here and some did noT have easy aKcess To The arKives..
From: Doug Alan <email@example.com>
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 89 11:37:23 EDT
Subject: Re: The One True God (was: Kate Bush's "THE WHOLE STORY")
> And a man Kalled IED gave This paTch unTo The NET and he named iT. And iT was Kalled "reK.musiK.gaffa." And KaTe looKed down on This newesT KreaTion and saw ThaT iT was good. And on The evening of ThaT day, There was much rejoicing, for here man Kould have a place To refleKT on all ThaT was pure and good and beauTiful. And so iT was.
As always, mythology always gets distorted and exagerated with the passage of time. The above should read:
And a man Kalled |>oug Tried to spread The Word of KaTe To Those who had noT heard. BuT he was shunned and sKorned by unbelievers. So he KreaTed The Love-Hounds To be a Holy place where the dediKaTed Kould discuss among themeselves of the splendor and The awe. On The evening of ThaT day, There was much rejoicing, for here man Kould have a place To refleKt on all ThaT was pure and good and beauTiful. And when The Time had Kome, he opened up Love-Hounds To the enTire unbelieving NeT, and he kalled the doorway "reK.musicK.gaffa". And the Word of KaTe was spread throughout the NeT. And KaTe looked down on This newesT KreaTion and said "ThaT's nice."
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 89 07:50:33 pdt
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (William Sommers)
Subject: Re: Is Kate trying to tell us something?
March 25, 1985: Bill, now living in San Francisco, is hired by a major biotech firm.
March 26, 1985: Bill "discovers" USENET.
Early 1988: Bill "discovers" rec.music.gaffa while browsing .newsrc one day. "<Gasp>... could it be?!!".
Early 1988, 90 seconds later: Bill overcome with joy. Comes down a little as he remembers that he cannot send mail from this site, but nevertheless elated.
July 7, 1989: Bill leaves company, thinking he will hook into USENET via FidoNet in a matter of days. Wrong. Bill spends next months in travel; calls record stores every few weeks to check on TSW status; pretty much blows off work on his BBSs; generally maintains state of relaxed enjoyment, aided by obsKuriTies 2 (thanks IED!) and partially fueled by knowledge of an imminent release by KT.
Oct 13, 1989: Bill learns of 10/17 release date. Some Friday 13th! (or perhaps an omen?) Finds self in state of euphoria; arranges temporary USENET connection and awaits validation on Monday; spends weekend literally tingling with anticipation; can think of nothing other.
Oct 16, 1989: Three days out of warranty, Bill's CD player dies. Cannot possibly phase him at this point: No problem, will buy new one tomorrow.
Oct 17, 1989: Finally validated. Bill demonstrates self-restraint of near-mythic proportions--does not even break daily routine until early PM. Downloads past month of L-H for later perusal. Buys TSW. Buys new Sony CDP-C8ESD. Straps both to rear of motorcycle and returns home. Savoring the sheer joy of the moment, brews coffee, hooks up new toy, inserts disc and even takes time to scan instructions and name disc. Pours coffee, turns off all computer equipment in adjoining room and thermostat in attempt to achieve near silence and turns volume on stereo way up. Has now been involved in this ridiculous foreplay for 20 minutes.
Oct 17, 5:04pm: Bill presses "play" on remote control. Beautiful strains of tolling bells begin to emerge from the speakers. The earth begins to tremble. Suddenly, those possessions which are not already flying across rooms are cascading to the floor. At the instant Her voice enters this scene, the house is slammed by a single shockwave so violent as to defy description, and the music ceases.
I spare you the ensuing progression of events. Suffice it to say the house still stands, it was 48 hours before my first listening and the final lines of my responses to the myriad "What were you doing?" queries were along the lines of "...I know Her music's powerful, but...", "...I knew Her Voice could make me tremble, but...", "...incredibly moving...", "...She really breaks new ground...", etc.(ad nauseum).
So you see, Doug, for me, the two events shall forever remain intertwined. (You all were pretty sure I was going to eventually make some point or another, right?) ;)
Thank you, Love-Hounds, for indulging me...
- Bill -
[this was a REAL earthquake!! --WIE]
Date: Sun, 12 Nov 89 21:59:23 -0600
From: Michael Mendelson <email@example.com>
Subject: the laugh
Obviously, the laugh is on the wrong album entirely! I suggest it is the result of a long, often fruitless fight between Kate and the record companies. For years, Kate has wanted to insert a laugh between tracks, and for years the record execs have nayed the proposition.
Originally, the laugh was to go between Strange Phenomena and Kite on TKI. When this plan was nixed, Kate decided to place the laugh after Peter Pan on Lionheart. And after that on NFE at the very end of the album. Again, to no avail, but this time the execs met Kate half way and let her add a little extra bass at the end of Breathing instead.
Despite the first three rejections, Kate endeavoured once more to include the laugh on TD just after Suspended in Gaffa. The execs dismissed this demand as unreasonably antagonistic towards the general public who would have a hard enough time figuring out just what Gaffa was (not to mention the "WLTWI" at the culmination of the very next track) without the added intimidation of a mocking laugh.
So it was HoL where Kate was first able to sneak in the laugh, cleverly mixed *backwards* into the secret message in WYWM, the forward contents of which were discovered by fans only recently. Luckily, the record execs never discovered this laugh, although its effect is all but lost in the mix. But Kate was still unsatisfied, since she knew most people would probably never know the laugh was even there.
TWS was the next candidate for the laugh, but since it had never charted as a single, the execs refused. Kate even volunteered to redo the laugh as a "new vocal" cut, but alas, no go.
Finally, Kate had had enough. "Look," she said, "no more albums unless I get a full, uncut, forward, undistorted laugh on the next one." British execs gave in, but Kate had to change labels in America to have her demand met.
But still, it wasn't easy... a full year of bickering about where the laugh should go on the new album ensued and caused unprecedented delays in release. And now we see the fruits of Kate's effort: the laugh, in full, is indeed a part of TSW. But in attaching the laugh to different songs on the two pressings of the CD, and omitting it entirely from the single and the video, it looks like in the final analysis the bigwigs still had the last laugh. :-)
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 90 01:16:44 -0500
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Kate Bush)
Subject: Yes, I really -do- read love-hounds!
Don't flatter yourselves. "Deeper Understanding" had nothing to do with you!
Kate Bush email@example.com
From: Doug Alan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Mon, 08 Jan 90 14:59:25 EST
Subject: Re: Yes, I really -do- read love-hounds!
> From: email@example.com (Kate Bush)
> Don't flatter yourselves. "Deeper Understanding" had nothing to do with you!
> Kate Bush firstname.lastname@example.org
> "Christianity is Stupid" - negativland
Take a hike, Kate! Do you really think we care what you have to say on the matter? We'll make up our own minds, thank you.
Date: Sat, 31 Aug 1991 00:20:37 -0700
From: email@example.com (Ronald Hill)
Subject: Kate on Letterman 1985
Kate on David Letterman
This is from the raw footage of one of the cameras filming before the aborted appearance of Kate on David Letterman.
[Transcribed By Ron Hill. Thanks to IED for providing me with the tape.]
Paul Shaffer: Dave, meet Kate Bush.
Dave: Well, hello, Kate.
Dave: Whoa! You're awfully small!
K: [Looks uncomfortable] Oh, thanks. [Long pause] So what segment of the show will I be appearing on?
Dave: Well, we have this segment called "Hal Gurney's Network Time Killers."
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1991 20:40:21 -0700
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ronald Hill)
The Letterman transcription post is a joke, in case anybody didn't get it!!!
From: email@example.com (Steve Berlin)
Date: Fri, 27 Sep 1991 17:54:49 -0700
Subject: Re: Big Sky Support Group
"Smithers, who's that man listening to Kate Bush on Level 3?" "His name is Simpson, Sir, he's one of your employees." "Obviously he has great taste. Double his salary at once!" "Right away, Mr. Burns!"
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Steve Berlin)
Date: Sat, 12 Oct 1991 18:38:26 -0700
Subject: Re: C'mon, kids...
Hey, that's why I READ Rec.Music.Gaffa! KaTe fans are much more intelligent than mere humans, so when they argue, it is a work of art. I love reading the endless discussions from people who think "The Sensual World" is a really good album vs. the people who are dead wrong. OK, so I'm sick of the "What is Gaffa" talk (we all know by now "Suspended in Gaffa" is really an anagram for "Find a fugs penis ade", a tribute to the great band The Fuggs).
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1991 12:01:32 -0700
From: email@example.com (Jonathan Whitcomb)
Subject: A little history...
> 1. Is this group JUST for Kate? It appears to be totally obsessed with her.
Actually when this group was founded 72 years ago in Sri Lanka it was originally intended for afficianados of hunting dogs and other canines pressed into manual labor. The orignal name of the group was "Amos Canis Woofis", and was written on dried leaves and spread from town to town by passing merchants. Occasionally, some of the written passages were so controversial that readers would burn the leaves in anger, leading to the modern term "flaming". Many found that inhaling the smoke of the burning leaves caused a hallucanatory effect, and thus smoking leaves became more popular than reading them in some areas.
Traffic on the group was light, but started to pick up in the 60's when some of the free love fringe mistook the title (by then "Hound-Lovers") to imply more intimate relationships between man and his best friend. The name was then changed to "Love-Hounds" to avoid any further confusion.
By 1986, the group was an entirely electronic media, and the release of Kate Bush's "Hounds of Love" album brought so much traffic to discuss this album and the artist that the original hard core group of hunting dog fans split off to form another group, the well known and highly read rec.pooches.kill.bad.deer.yeah. Since that time the Kate Bush crowd has dominated the group, although lately it seems that a religious cult based around holy relics created, used, or discarded by the recording artist is gaining favor.
> 2. Where did the group creators get the word "gaffa" and what does it mean?
"Gaffa" (as has been explained ad nauseum in this forum) is another Sri Lankan word referring to the mental state achieved by those smoking too many of the leaves this group was originally printed on.
> 3. I'm more into the Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance etc. Is this the place for me or should I get lost?
As long as you make the occasional kowtow to the Bush crowd and say the appropriate holy words and use lots of initials to refer to albums and song titles, welcome. You may find after a few days reading this group that getting lost was the safer option, however. Of course, we try to be open to new thoughts and ideas, so if you do indeed *want* to get lost, don't feel anyone here is pressuring you to do otherwise. It's just that we don't want everyone to get lost together, because then invariably someone will know where they are and the whole excersize would be pointless. But do what you want.
> 4. Is Kate on the 4AD label? Just what IS the 4AD label anyway, and who is on it beside the above two groups?
Kate is not on the 4AD label. The 4AD label originally started many years before 4 A.D., and was responsible for such works as the Rosetta Stone and the Shroud of Turyn. They continue publishing artifacts by little known or dead societies for the amusement of archeologists and necrophiliacs. Other well known acts include "Thrown Mooses", "Clone of Xerox" and "The Picked Seeds".
> Thanks for any answers!
We are here to inform and entertain (as well as occasionally inflame and irritate).
> Ben Discoe, radical ecologist, computer scientist, geometer, amigoid
Jonathan Whitcomb, racial egotist, commuter psychic, geometry, ohmygod
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Steve Berlin)
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1991 23:42:13 -0700
Subject: Top 10 IAQs
Presenting, for the first (and if you're lucky, the last) time:
GAFFA IAQ's (The top 10 Infrequently asked questions)
10. My only Kate Bush album is "Lionheart". Does she have any other albums as good as this?
9. In the song "Heads, We're Dancing", who's this Hitler person she refers to?
8. Is Wilson Phillips going to be on her next album? If not, why not?
7. Is John C. Bush the same person as Rod McKuen? Their styles seem very similar. (Sorry, this should have been in the FAQ file. The answer is, of course: yes, they are the same person).
6. Is the boxed set coming out on 8-track tapes?
5. In "Running up that Hill", which hill in specific does she mean?
4. Is Del Palmer any relationship to Laura Palmer of Twin Peaks?
3. The song "Wuthering Heights". Is this, like, from, like, a book or something, y'know?
2. If Kate Bush is God, can she make a rock so big that she herself can not lift it?
And the least-asked Rec.music.gaffa question:
1. How can I get a date with Joe Turner?
Thank you, good night, and don't drive too slowly.
Date: Fri, 18 Oct 1991 15:35:00 -0700
From: email@example.com (Vickie Ann Mapes)
Subject: Kate Tour Joke
It's a wonderfully elaborate joke. Here's what appeared in Ecto:
Well, now the cat's finally out of the bag I guess I can let you all in the fact that Kate had an impromptu set of 3 "Dreaming" concerts in York back during August this year. York is about 90 minutes drive from Perth, where I live... so I went and stayed over for the weekend and saw the last two concerts on Saturday night and Sunday afternoon.
Apparently Friday was fraught with technical difficulties anyhow, according to a friend of mine who saw it... Kate's negligee was nearly ripped off by a falling mike stand and her Fairlight actually fell off the stage at one point when she knocked it during the dancing bit for "Sensual World". The music of course was superb, a really good selection from all her albums - even the Ninth Wave, which I found surprising. The male choir in "Hello Earth" were particularly good.
The audience of about 600 each night had mostly driven up from Perth as I had, but there quite a few locals, too. A lot of them hadn't really heard much Kate before but got enthusiastic when she did a "Dreaming" medley incorporating the Australian national anthem and a few old Slim Dusty numbers. The local hotel owner featured on digeridu and the whole effect was nearly awesome.
It was not extensively advertised even in Perth... just a simple splash panel in The West Australian gig guide and a mention on our public radio station. The result was I didn't find out about it until the Thursday of that week, so I didn't have time to get any decent recording equipment together to make a bootleg. All I managed to get was most of the first half using my dad's portable dictaphone.
It was good to see her chatting with the audience between songs... She seemed to enjoy the laid-back atmosphere of the place and at one point even said as much, something about how she loved to perform live but hated all the work involved in creating concerts for hard-core fans. Apparently, she and Del were holidaying anonymously down here when some equipment became available after the annual Jazz Festival and they thought, what the hell...why not.
Date: 22 Oct 91 11:20:28 +0800
Subject: Re: Kate Tour "Joke"
> It's a wonderfully elaborate joke.
No, it's not a joke. Actually, a limited edition bootleg picture disk of the dictaphone recording that was mentioned has recently been made available via mail-order from an independent record store in Perth. Ask Greg Bossert about it, he already has one.
Martin (a gaffa lurker for about three years)
P.S. A "gaffa lurker". Wierd... imagine going up to people in the street and saying, "Hello, I'm a gaffa lurker." Hmmmm... :-)
Date: 14 Oct 91 09:40:42 GMT
Subject: Captain, Captain?
MESSAGE SOURCE INIDENTIFABLE, RETURNING TO NETWORK:
(Spock) writes: Captain Kirk? Captain Kirk?
(Kirk) writes: Spock, is that you?
(Spock) writes: Indeed, it is Captain. I am most pleased that I have been able to establish contact with you.
(Kirk) writes: Where are we, Spock? Last thing I remember is that after the incident on Calligar we were beaming down to a planet. Since then all I seem to be aware of is a series of bizarre text messages floating through my consciousness.
(Spock) writes: I have been aware of these messages too, Captain, and it is through that link that I have been able to establish contact. Apparently the Calligar rift left disturbances that we were not aware of. It appears that we have once again been sent back through time and, rather then materializing in solid form, our consciousness has been placed in the memory banks of a twentieth century computer system.
(Kirk) writes: Amazing, Spock. Good thing McCoy isn't here. What exactly is this place?
(Spock) writes: I am not entirely sure, Captain. We have been here for 93.2 hours and I have been using this time to examine the memory systems of the network we are in. It appears to be called, "The Love Hounds Computer Network." It appears to be dedicated to Kate Bush, a contemporary singer and musician of some renown.
(Kirk) writes: This Kate Bush, she appears to be a God to these people.
(Spock) writes: That was my initial hypothesis, although I now believe that most of the members of this system don't see her as a God, but instead this appears to be a form of humour to these people, though I am at a loss to explain it.
(Kirk) writes: Which you often see to be when it comes to humor, though I must admit I can't explain it either. This seems to be an awful lot of reading material devoted to one singer.
(Spock) writes: Indeed? It never fails to amaze me how you humans often tend to find in-depth discussion of issues related to the arts distasteful, though I must admit that many of the issues discussed on this network concern items of trivial interest. However I have found an interesting area of this system entitled "The Love-Hounds Archives", which contains many interesting photographs of the young woman as well as a fascinating document entitled "Cloudbusting" which appears to be a historic predesesor to the post-autobiographical format which became popular in the early 21rst century. Unfortunately Cloudbusting, needless to say, contains only information up to the current year, 1991, and so does not include information on Kate's 1993 album, Late Again, her 1996 album, For The Love Of Stern, or her Tour Of Life II, which was held in 1998 and became the basis for an entire civilization on planet Gaffan II. Indeed, I am sure that the inhabitants of that planet would be very interested in the existence of this network as it may confirm their murky historical record as to where their ancestors...[BREAK]
(Kirk) writes: SPOCK. [BREAK] SPOCK. [BREAK]
(Spock) writes: Yes, Captain.
(Kirk) writes: This is all very interesting but it's not going to help us any. Can you formulate a plan to remove us from the memory banks of this computer system?
(Spock) writes: Indeed, Captain. I have already been working on just such a plan, of course. I developed the idea while attempting to formulate a link with you, and instead having been connected to this time period's mass entertainment system, and to an entertainment program entitled "Quantum Leap."
(Kirk) writes: Are you sure it wasn't "Back To The Future II", Spock.
(Spock) writes: Quite certain, Captain. Though the principle is remarkably similar. I believe that I can device a computer virus that will travel from computer to computer, undetected, until a specific stardate, when it will flash a message on the Enterprise's computer screen, revealing the location of our minds inside this computer. The Enterprise should then be able to beam us out, through the same time-portal that we were beamed in.
(Kirk) writes: Are there any risks, Spock?
(Spock) writes: > If the initial virus does not succeed, it is unlikely that any further versions will. In this case, the only option open to us would be to simply wait in computer memory until after the accident, transfering ourselves when needed, and then leave the messages ourselves.
(Kirk) writes: And be trapped listening to these people for who knows how long? Please tell it will work, Spock.
(Spock) writes: I shall endeavor to do my best, Captain. Although I enjoy the above average intellectual level shown on this network, I find this flagrant "flaming" most distasteful.
(Kirk) writes: Actually, Spock, I was going to say that I found the insufferable intellectualism of this network "most distasteful."
(Spock) writes: Indeed?
(Kirk) writes: Indeed. Oh, no, Spock, I think I feel another wave of messages coming across.
(Spock) writes: According to these messages, this system has not been working properly for the past several days. Our presence here appears to have disrupted the normal operation of this network to a great degree.
(Kirk) writes: Is there any danger that the management of this system will discover the cause of the problem and attempt to delete it, namely us?
(Spock) writes: Unlikely, Captain. The management here appears to be lax to the extreme. In any case, I believe I have finished the computer virus.
(Kirk) writes: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT WORK SPOCK.
(Spock) writes: Captain, we have been in stressful situations before, why are you so emotional at this moment?
(Kirk) writes: I just read another bunch of messages.
(Spock) writes: I see, Captain. I am preparing to release the virus.
(Kirk) writes: Will there be any record of our appearance here?
(Spock) writes: There will be inactive copies of our consciousness here in the memory banks, but at the rate these people type these should be entirely destroyed in 89.3 days, far less if one Ron Hill acquires any more interview material. However, remnants of our conversation may be left in the messaging system.
(Kirk) writes: I doubt we have said much that could effect the future course of Earth.
(Spock) writes: You are correct, Captain. Also, it appears to be a custom of these people to skip large threads of messages when they don't know the source or understand the content. While reviewing the messages of the last five years, I have noticed a fascinating discrepancy. The people here appear to be aware of many things that people in the 20th century should not. I have seen the names "Klingons" and "Romulans" used as well as other things from our century. Most puzzling they appear to possess information which, if true, refers to the century AFTER ours.
(Kirk) writes: Thats incredible, Spock!
(Spock) writes: Indeed. I can offer no explanation, Captain.
(Kirk) writes: Perhaps Starfleet will authorize another mission back here, though I would insist that we be sent in human form, rather then as computer memory.
(Spock) writes: That would be preferable. Well the computer virus is finished. I will release it now.
(Kirk) writes: Thank you, Mr. Spock. We shall have to play some of this Kate Bush's music when we're back on the Enterprise.
(Spock) writes: Indeed we shall, Captain.
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1991 18:30:21 -0700
Subject: Misplaced love and TWW
I'm sorry to burden you lot with my problems, but there must be someone out there who has experienced something similar to what I'm going through. I only discovered Kate Bush three months ago. Prior to this momentous revelation, I had assumed that I just didn't like music that much.
Try to imagine what it would be like to obtain for the first time, over a period of three months, everything she has ever done. Imagine listening to nothing else over that period. Imagine buying books, posters and using up three ribbons printing "The Garden".
To the best of my knowledge, Kate Bush Overdose (or KBO) has never been documented before. Here are my symptoms:
1) I can't concentrate for more than five minutes on non-Kate related topics. My work is suffering.
2) I dream about her. In one dream she brushed against me as she was leaving a stage. In another she transformed before my eyes into a Jersey cow (I can only hope that this was inspired by "Get out of my House", otherwise I'm sicker than I thought).
3) I make up little fantasies about her. In one, she sits next to me on a really long flight. More recently, I intercept sniper bullets meant for her, and almost die.
Is there a cure? As I see it, I have never suffered the long waits between albums. This passion has got to fade eventually.
All yours, Selwyn Selwyn Selwyn ya ya
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1991 05:12:53 -0800
From: MasterMind <VNOZICK@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU>
Subject: Proof that she really is!
You'll have to forgive me if this is not as good as it could be. Chalk this whole thing up to a few hours in the middle of the night after doing layout for the paper. All of this is strictly in fun, and if you can't deal with that, then that's your problem. Flame me for not making it better, or for not being funny enough, but not for being insulted!
The first book of KaTe commonly called The KreaTion:
In the beginning KaTe kreated the big sky and the earth. ("Hello, earth!") The earth was without form and void, and there was no deeper understanding to be found; and the Spirit of KaTe was moving under the ice.
And KaTe said, "Let there be music"; and there was music. And KaTe saw that the music was good; and KaTe separated the bailaikas from the uiellian pipes. KaTe called the music Gaffa, and the darkness she called Baghdad. And there was a night of the swallow and there was the morning fog.
And KaTe said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the love-hounds, and let it separate the love from the anger." And KaTe made the firmament and separated the love which was under the ivy from the anger which was under the leaves and the trees. And it was so. And KaTe called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.
And KaTe said, "Let the seven waves under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the homeground appear." And it was so. KaTe called the dry land a "sensual world", and the waves that were gathered together she called snow. And KaTe saw that it was good. And KaTe said, "Let put forth musical instruments, keyboards yielding notes, and bulgarian trios bearing background vocals in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the world." And it was so. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.
And KaTe said, "Let there be little lights shining in the firmament of the heavens to separate the warm from the soothing; and let them be for shivers and for quivers and for moans and sighs, and let them be reactions in the hearts of the believers to give light upon the earth." And it was so. And KaTe made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; she made her rare flowers also. And KaTe set them in the firmament of the records to give light upon the earth, to rule over the mind and the soul, and to separate the light from the darkness. And KaTe saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.
And KaTe said, "Let the waves bring forth swarms of live tours, and let dances pass through the air across the front of the stage." So KaTe kreated the great musical performances and every poem that accompanies, with which the images flew, according to their kinds, and every interpretation according to its kind. And KaTe saw that it was good. And KaTe blessed them, saying "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the amphitheaters in the countries, and let concerts multiply on the earth." And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.
And KaTe said, "Let the earth bring forth videos according to their kinds: rain-makers and dunce caps and chain mail bikinis according to their kinds." And it was so. And KaTe made the demons of the experiments according to their kinds and the celtic images according to their kinds, and everything that breathes within the womb according to its kind. And KaTe saw that it was good.
Then KaTe said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the terminals of the network, and over the flame wars, and over the explanations of 'gaffa', and over the inaudible lyrics in the background, and over every note that creeps upon the song." So KaTe kreated love-hounds in her own image, in the image of KaTe she kreated them; lurker and regular she kreated them. And KaTe blessed them, and KaTe said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the newsgroups." And KaTe said, "Behold, I have given you every song yielding beauty which is upon the face of all the earth, and every video with seed in its fruit." And it was so. And KaTe saw everything that she had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day KaTe finished her work which she had done, and she rested for four years from all her work which she had done. So KaTe blessed the long waits and hallowed it, because on it KaTe rested from all her work which she had done in kreation. Valerie Nozick
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1991 23:16:49 -0800
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ronald Hill)
Subject: Kate Endorsements
Here's something from an old STILL BREATHING that I always thought was kinda cute.
KATE NOT ENDORSING COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS
By Bob Davis
I've noticed that Kate hasn't endorsed any commercial products that I know of. Which, I always think, says a lot for artistic integrity. Especially since I could imagine she could use the money for things for her recording studio. I was wondering how many offers she has had. So, I imagined this scenario...
Kate and Del are having afternoon tea, cones and scramble tofu at her home, when suddenly, like always, the doorbell rings, not for the first time that week.
KATE: Oh dear, Del, would you be so kind as to peek out the window and tell me it's not that product marketing salesman again.
DEL: It's not that marketing salesman again. Anything for you, Kate.
KATE: Thanks, Del. I knew you wouldn't let me d...
PRODUCT MARKETING SALESMAN (P.M.S): Open up, Kate! I've got some more offers, and I know you can't refuse these!
DEL (opening door): Don't worry, Kate. I'll take care of him. Sir, don't you think it's about time you gave up? We've been through this over and over. Kate does not want to license HOUNDS OF LOVE dog food. She's not interested in singing a jingle for your WEDDING LIST catering service. She is not going to sing THEM HEAVY PEOPLE for your Slim-N-Trim weight loss program. She wouldn't dream of letting you use GET OUT OF MY HOUSE for you ant and roach killer. She is definitely unwilling to let THE BIG SKY be used to sell telescopes. She wouldn't be caught dead singing FEEL IT to plug you skin softening soap, and if you dare let your from the Navy recruiter use a lyrically altered ARMY DREAMING for promotion, I guarantee you will soon face the wrath of Zoodle's ghost. Now I think that about covers everything.
P.M.S: Oh no, not quite! My colleagues and I have come up with many revolutionary new idea since we last spoke. We'd really like to use Kate's song BREATHING in ads for our new and improved Decongest-N-Rest nasal mist! Helps unclog those stuffed nasal pas...
DEL: I'll unclog some other passages of yours if you don't get....
P.M.S.: We've also developed a revolutionary new diaper and we'd like to use PULL OUT THE PIN. We'd like to use RUNNING UP THAT HILL to plug our new health spa where you can go, work out, and get in shape so you can run up those hills with no problem. YOu must be getting awfully weak from all that rabbit food.
DEL : All right, that does...
P.M.S: In case you're one of those people who is constantly woken up in the morning by those noisy leaf blowers, you should know about our new silent leaf blower. We'd like to use BLOW AWAY for that.
KATE: (Who has now come to the door): Over my dead body! And Minnie's, Moony's, Vicious', Buggy's, Sandy's...
P.M.S: Ah, yes, Minnie! Minnie Wickerdom. She did that song "Loving You", I remember. And I'm sure she would have loved for you to let us use ALL THE LOVE for our new special rate long distance phone service. And THERE GOES A TENNER for our new bank investment offer. And HAMMER HORROR for our new shock resistant carpenter gloves! No more painful blows to your thumbs when you miss the nail...
DEL: How would you like a painful blow to your....
P.M.S: And think of the possibilities if we could use THE KICK INSIDE for our new home pregnancy test...
KATE: You've got a lot of...
P.M.S: And this is really brilliant... Are you mean as a witch when you get up in the morning? Then you must having morning breath... the worst breath of the day. Use our revolutionary new mouthwash and your friends will never have to worry about WAKING THE WITCH!
DEL: Are you insulting...
P.M.S: And if you could be so kind as to let us use COFFEE HOMEGROUND, because we only use the best mountain grown flaked crystals for the richest, most aromatic kind coffee...
DEL: I've got a marvelous idea for a new video of JAMES AND THE COLD GUN, and a certain pushy marketing salesman I know who would be great to play a primary part in it. So, you just run along now and don't come back unless you'd like that idea to become reality! (Del slams the door, P.M.S leaves. Kate and Del return to their chairs.)
KATE: I thought Mrs. Olsen had retired by now.
KATE: That coffee lady who used to be on the telly.
DEL (Sipping his tea): Must've been her husband.
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1991 17:49:40 -0800
Subject: Sticky moments and smooth empaths
Hi! "Q" reports "sticky moments". Ooo, the imagination goes wild on this one!
-Rocket ate the master tape as it sat on the mixer whilst Kate and Del had a spot of tea
-Kate tried to duplicate the vocal effects of "Houdini" by doing the chocolate-bar-and-milk thing again, and literally got stuck
-Kate locked herself out of the studio on the locksmith's month off
-The piano tuner couldn't find the address
-Del realized what he was doing halfway through the mixing of the first five tracks, and in all consience couldn't bring himself to do any more
Date: 14 Dec 91 09:32:42 GMT
Subject: Where are they??
MESSAGE SOURCE INIDENTIFABLE, RETURNING TO NETWORK:
(MCCOY): WHERE ARE YOU SPOCK, JIM. OH SHIT, I'LL BE HERE FOREVER...
(KIRK)" We are here, Bones.
(SPOCK): Indeed we are, Doctor.
(MCCOY): Jim, Spock, thank God. I've been here for hours, I'm on a special rescue mission from Starfleet and I've...
(KIRK): We, know, Leonard.
(MCCOY): What, how could you possibly know? Listen, Jim, I'm a doctor not a computer program. We've gotta get out of here...
(SPOCK): No need to rush, there is exactly 43.2 minutes remaining until the scheduled beam-out point.
(MCCOY): HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE RESCUING YOU! Jim, what's going on?
(KIRK): Brace yourself, Bones, we are not only back in time but we have traveled to an alternative universe.
(MCCOY): Not this again, as if being stuck in a computer system isn't bad enough. Does Spock have a beard in this universe, too?
(KIRK): No, he doesn't. In this universe and this time we are not real people but are characters in a TV show. There are many other differences as well...
(MCCOY): I'm a doctor, not a blender!!
(KIRK): What was that?
(MCCOY): Oh... ah, nothing. (KIRK): Well, as you know we had accidently traved through a portal back in time and into this universe while beaming down to a planet. Our consiousness's were placed into a computer system entitled "The Love Hounds Computer Network." After we had suffered through, what seemed at the time, seemily endless messages, Spock released a computer virus that was intended to be passed from computer to computer until it reached the Enterprise in our time, when it would release a message giving Scott instructions on how to beem us back through the portal that brought us here. However, this is not what happened. The virus reached the future, but, in this universe, Scott was not there. Indeed, The Enterprise and it's crew did not even exist, at least not as we know them. The entire galaxy was different. Fortunately the people in that time intercepted the message and brought us forward in time themselves, to the future of this universe.
(KIRK): Simply because, as they put it, it was the nice thing to do. They were able to show us around, while they searched through the ancient computer systems with their Past Time Viewers until they were able to find information about you coming to rescue us. They then sent us back here.
(MCCOY): But we don't have any machines capable of viewing the past like that.
(KIRK): In OUR universe, but in this universe their future is full of many strange and wonderful things.
(MCCOY): I haven't been able to make any sense of the messages here or to understand what these people are talking about. I've never heard of Kate Bush. Does this computer system also exist in the past of our universe?
(SPOCK): Yes, it does. Though things are subtly different between the two universes, especially when it comes to the people. In our universe, Vickie is happily married to Richard and Chris is married to Melissa. IED is a real person and Andrew Marvick has never heard of Kate, having missed that fateful day... Ron Hill is well known for "Wuthering Heights - Pat Benatar in her Own Words",(this is particularly ironic since his "Cloudbusting" book, in this universe, will become the holy book of the people of Gaffan II). Also, in our universe, no one has heard of Cynthia, though Sinead O'Conner makes frequent, flaming appearences. However, Kate Bush's life up to this point in time is virtually the same in both universes. Kate enjoys a healthy and productive life, making wonderful albums, and subtlely changing the world. You probably are not aware of it, but Gorbachev has long been a secret Kate Bush fan.
(MCCOY): No, I didn't know that.
SPOCK: It won't become well known for several years. We have also been told of the future of Kate's life in OUR universe. At a 1994 Kate Bush convention she met Ken SaintJohn and instantly fell in love. The next several months would prove to be the happiest time in Kate's life, but unfortunately that happyness was short lived as Ken was tragically killed when his Amiga exploded after he tried to plug the American machine into a British socket. Kate couldn't live in the country that had caused her love's death, so she moved to America where she quickly became involved with and then married to talk show host Howard Stern, to whom she dedicated her disappointing 1996 album, For The Love Of Stern. Although she was said to be happy with Howard, she still longed for Ken, and drew strength from this pain when she launched her triumphant 1998 Tour Of Life II which was the first to use virtual reality musical techiques, which were based on ideas of Ken.
It is then that the story again takes a down turn. She then joined Howard's talk show, as the "featured" singer, and the two remaining albums she released consisted mainly of the bad cover versions she sang on the show. Both of these albums are banned (by punishment of death) on Gaffan II. Her future after 2004 is unknown in our universe, due to the turbulance of the times, and this gave rise to innumerable "Kate is alive" and "Kate is Suspended in Animation, Somewhere" stories, for which there is no evidence, though Oliver Stone XV did make a smash film based on this theory.
Of course, this is the future of OUR universe, which is very different from what will happen in THIS universe. In fact, I have discovered that the exact point of divergence is the point when Ken and Kate met. If it were not for that meeting, the history of our universe, in all probability would have been much sunnier.
(KIRK): Ironic that one meeting with one person could make such a difference.
(SPOCK): Indeed it is, Captain.
(MCCOY): So what happens in the future of THIS universe?
(KIRK): In 1997 she releases her album entitled, simply, Love. It is a concept album about what happens after The Ninth Wave, when the woman goes to tell the world what she has learned. It is not particularly popular at first, since it is mainly one long song, but when she takes it on the road in The Tour Of Life II, the world is changed forever. Later, when contact with the Romulans is reached, the album is sent as the first subspace message, and The Romulan War never happens and a peace treaty is worked out almost immeadiately. Even the Klingons mellow somewhat. The humans and other races make great leaps and become thousands of years advanced from where we are in our universe. Ironically, the only conflict left in the galaxy is on Gaffan II, where The Round Uppers often fight The Round Downers over whether the 45.5 minute album should be considered a 45 or a 46 minute album. The ritualist flame-thrower-wars can be quite messy. But we don't have time for The Whole Story.
(SPOCK): Ha, ha. The Whole Story, that's funny, Jim! :-)
(MCCOY): Spock, this is increadible, I've never heard you laugh before!
(SPOCK): Since I've heard Love, I've realized that you can't be overly logical and overly uptight about everything. Look what's happened on Gaffan II! :-)
(MCCOY): So, you've heard the album?
(KIRK:) Indeed, we have. Indeed that is one of the reasons they sent us back to meet you. We have brought with us a high quality sample file of the entire album, and we intend to bring it back with us in the hope that it will help our universe as much as it helped this universe. Our universe will just get it a few hundred years late. When people understand what has happened, I have the feeling that the name Ken SaintJohn will be cursed throughout the galaxy. Ironic that what started out as a minor mission will bring peace to the entire galaxy.
(MCCOY): But that can't be, I've seen some of the "Star Trek" message sections, and they talk about "The Next Generation" in which our universe is run by self-righous, uptight morons!
(SPOCK): I too have seen the information about that show. I find it highly illogical and I think it is very unlikely we will end up like that. I never would have beleived the Romulans in the episode "Re-Unification" and everybody knows we've already found a cure for baldness. Captain, the beam-out time is in 20 seconds.
(KIRK): Okay, Spock. C'mon McCoy, when we finish playing the album for you, we'll show you how to find the Kate Bush symbol hidden on the cover.
(SPOCK): You know what, Bones?
(SPOCK): She really is.
From: email@example.com (Steve Berlin)
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 1992 06:32:46 -0800
Subject: What is a KaTeFan?
I think there are three stages of KaTe Fandom:
1) The Kate Fan - owns HoL, TWS, maybe TD. Would not recognize them by those initials.
2) The KaTeFan(tm) - owns all KaTe's albums, except for maybe "Lionheart". Possibly has a poster, maybe a few GIFs, the more hard-core in this KaTegory might own "The Secret History Of..." or "An Illustrated Biography". Maybe has copied a video or two off a KaTeFanaTiK.
3) The KaTeFanaTiK - owns all the albums, including import pressings. Owns most, if not all, back issues of "Homeground". Owns all singles. Has at least three posters. Owns every Katebook he (gender implication intentional) knows of, including "The Whole Story". Has bought every Kate Video (as opposed to copying them off someone else). Types in 10-year-old KaTe interviews in R.M.G. Is proud of the "sensitive" drawing he did of KaTe. If he could, would get into fisticuffs over the meaning of "Gaffa". Never heard of half the bands in Billboard's Top 10. Basically is to Kate what a Trekkie is to Star Trek.
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 1992 08:13:58 -0800
Subject: What is a KaTeFan?
>From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Steve Berlin)
>Subject: What is a KaTeFan?
>1) The Kate Fan
>2) The KaTeFan(tm)
>3) The KaTeFanaTiK
Surely we need a few more categories. I suggest the following list should cover most Kate types.
(Loosely based on the old Usenet classifications :-) )
- thinks Pat Benetar wrote Wuthering Heights
- insecure with the concept of a Kate Newsgroup
- has yet to learn the names of the albums
- hasn't figured out yet how to get anything not sold in Tower
- knows that Kate Bush has had some hit singles and albums
- uses the KT abbreviation, but calls it 'knight'
- has heard of the KBC but never joined it
- has had his first bad experience with 'rec.music.gaffa'
- is wondering if there are any Kate recordings he doesn't have
- is wondering why the person next to him seems to like Kate so much
- thinks that 'gaffa' is a brand of oranges
- posts to 'rec.music.gaffa', but inexpertly
- has heard of 'the demo-tapes' but never seen them
- goes to record fairs to search for rare items
- has figured out what all the HOL type abbreviations mean
- is wondering how to get a subscription to Homeground
- has attempted to write to Kate and decided to stick with News
- thinks that 'gaffa' can only refer to "gaffa's tape"
- uses 'rec.music.gaffa' without trouble, and is beginning to answer questions
- is wondering how to get hold of some bootlegs
- thinks that 'IED' is an AI program
- has figured out who 'Ken' and 'The G.L.C.' are
- has learned that reading interviews doesn't help know the "real" Kate
- types in short reviews from magazines
- has formulated an opinion on the meaning of 'gaffa' but doesn't like to say
- thinks that 'rec.music.misc' is for wimps
- knows the titles of every song Kate has written
- posts news about Kate at every possible opportunity
- transcribes multi-page interviews
- has figured out what the secret messages in Kate's songs are
- once wrote a poem about Kate
- thinks that human history started with 'The Kick Inside'
- posts his theory of the meaning of 'gaffa' every other month
- discusses Kate's dancing technique without embarrassment
- talks about backward-masking with comfort
- quotes undocumented facts about Kate's life
- compiles his own collection of Kate facts and interviews
- buys only UK pressings because he doesn't trust the others
- can answer questions about Kate's studio equipment
- writes his own interpretations of Kate's songs to supplement standard ones
- writes pieces for Homeground
- argues with IED and |>oug with comfort
- writes long treatises on the literary references in Kate's songs
- customizes printed interviews by inserting comments
on the intervier's ignorance
- reads "The Garden" and "Cloudbusting" with his breakfast
- can answer any Kate question after a little thought
- has learned how to contact Kate's close friends and relatives
- quotes from any Kate interview you mention
- can answer any question on Kate before you ask
- writes his own biography of Kate
- is on a first-name basis with Del, Paddy and Kate
From: email@example.com (Ron Hill)
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 1992 20:35:40 -0800
Subject: Thanks and more fans
Thanks also to Neil for his hilarious 8 levels of Kate fanatasism. Though he unfortunately forgot to post the top four levels.
- Knows more about Kate then Del does.
- Has figured out remaining unknown secret messages, but won't say
- Knows what Donald Sutherland wrote on the paper in Cloudbusting
- Is already in line for the next tour.
- Thinks IED is a "Kate wimp"
- Writes long articles that only other DEMO-GODs can comprehend.
- Won't read Cloudbusting because he's already read EVERY interview.
- Is upset cause he's never quite made KATE-GOD
- Thinks GAFFA is slow in getting news out, compared to his sources.
- Can't control his temper when some says "THE Hounds Of Love"
- Knows more about Kate then Kate does.
- Is Kate herself.
- Can point out lies in Cloudbusting book
- Knows what Gaffa REALLY meant.
KATE'S MUM AND DAD
- Created Kate.
- Knows the words to the early songs that Kate has forgot.
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 1992 13:50:00 -0800
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Chris n Vickie)
Subject: Alright! I'm definitely a fanatic!
Ron Hill writes:
> - Gives "Two Into One" signal instead of handshakes. (those who know what this means automatically quality for FANATIC on Neil's scale)
IknowIknowIknow! "Room for the Life"
Date: Tue, 21 Apr 1992 12:58:41 -0700
From: email@example.com (Larry DeLuca)
As a matter of fact, there is a little-known Greek text by the scholar Mapius Vicus (translated recently) discussing Womens' Epic Poetry and the three most highly-respected practitioners of the art at the time:
Most people believed that KaTius (spelling origin unknown) was quite mad, since she wrote lines in many of her poems from right to left (the two most well-known examples being the inverted text at the end of "Levit O Pen" and her masterwork, written in Chinese ("Wa Chingyu Witzau Mi")).
On to Humour Pt. 2
written by Love-Hounds
compiled and edited
Sept 1995 June 1996