Pop Poop (a short play by Jonathan Whitcomb)

[aurs01!mcnc.org!whitcomb%aurgate@mcnc.org]

The cast (in order of appearance):
C>Cynthia Rosas
A>Andy Gough
D>Jon Drukman (as the beaver)
W>Me

Act One
=======

(The curtain is raised to reveal a gothic dungeon. Cynthia, dressed as
a nun, is reading from a large text.  Andy enters stage right,
wearing a professor's graduation robe)

C>Pop as a genre would include RuTH, for instance, because it made it 
C>in the top 40 pop charts.  I would not, however, call the song pop, 
C>because it doesn't fit the degradatory stereotype that pop can represent 
C>as well.  It's both, and pop arguments always get confusing that way.

(Drukman, in full armor, comes riding in on a white horse)

D>Sure it does - verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus ad infinitum.
D>What's missing?  You can even HUM the tune.  Not to mention that 
D>there's a dance remix, even.

(Cynthia glares at Drukman and exits stage left)

A>Agreed, but RUTH fails at pop perfection.  In addition to the features
A>you mention, the perfect pop song is less than 3 minutes long and has
A>a long instrumental introduction and ending--so that the pop DJ's can
A>talk over both the beginning and end of the song.

(from offstage)

W>What you're describing is the traditional criteria for a hit single,
W>not the definition of pop.

(Whitcomb enters wearing a tutu and a football helmet).

A>RUTH has a long instrumental introduction, but ends with the "It's
A>only good if you're running up that hill" chant.  I don't remember how
A>long it is, but I think it's over 3 minutes.  The remix is about 5
A>minutes as I remember, and has the chant at the beginning and the
A>end--so it's kindof the anti-pop version of RUTH.

W>Pop is generally accepted in the music business as music that doesn't
W>fit into classical, international or jazz categories.  It's a very,
W>very broad definition, and often the lines are blurred (jazz-rock
W>fusion, for instance).  Unfortunately, the term has come to have a
W>derogatory connotation.  As a result, pop music fans like to make up
W>all kinds of silly definitions so that they can say music that they
W>like isn't pop, but music that they don't like is.

(Cynthia rides across the stage on a unicycle, chortling loudly).

W>The biggest confusion is between "bubblegum" and "pop" (probably
W>because people pop bubblegum).  Yes, bubblegum is one flavor of pop
W>(bubblegum flavor).

(Inspired, Andy pulls out a piece of gum and pops it in his mouth.)

W>Then there is the music tagged as "power-pop", which is usually love
W>songs featuring jangly guitars and strong hooks.  

(The horse stomps nervously and pins his ears back)

D>Embrace POP!  Love your POP!  Personally, I have an extreme weakness
D>for incredibly overproduced girlpop of the Fuzzbox or recent
D>Propaganda ilk.  I might even admit to liking a few bananarama songs
D>if you were to pump me full of drugs (somebody please volunteer).

(Faces Drukman:)

W>You left out "worship POP", which better suits this group.

(Chewing thoughtfully:)

A>Pop is like bubblegum--you stop chewing when you get tired of it.  It
A>doesn't last.

(Spits out the gum.)

W>Gee, yet another association of "pop" and "bubblegum".  Of course if
W>you swallow bubblegum you might get an acid reaction.

(Looks around distractedly, as if waiting for StevO to appear).

A>KaTe's music is like false teeth--you need them for long-term
A>survival.

(Takes out his false teeth.)

W>Somehow this doesn't seem a flattering comparison either.  It gets
W>specially messy when you get bubblegum stuck in your false teeth.

D>Nothing wrong with pop, as a basic concept.  It's just the purveyors of
D>worthless, bland, cookie-cutter pop that need to die.

(The horse raises it's tail and loudly passes wind.  Drukman departs)

A>I don't like the 3 minute rule, though.  

W>Well, you shouldn't have made it up!

(Pouting:)

A>I'd like all songs to be 5 minutes or longer--provided that the time
A>is filled with substance, not just an extra long bridge.

(Andy departs)

(Calling after him:)

W>Tell that to the Minutemen!  Ever hear the Resident's "Commercial
W>Album"?  A song should end when the composer wants it to.  If the
W>composer gets the message across in twenty seconds, fine.  Don't bore
W>me with the chorus repeated umpteen times.  I personally like They
W>Might Be Giant's self proclaimed song structure:  "First verse,
W>second verse, chorus, weird middle section, chorus, let it end".

(Whitcomb removes his helmet)

W>People like to make up rules and restrictions.  It gives structure to
W>their worlds and provides justification for the existance of bureaucrats.
W>One of the interesting things about pop music is that it is so broad.
W>The only real rules are that it doesn't fall into the classical,
W>ethnic or jazz category.  If it makes you cringe that Wilson Phillips
W>and Kate Bush are in the same musical category, try counselling.

(Stage light dim.  Whitcomb paces thoughtfully.)

W>Here are some sub-categories of pop that come to mind:

W>Rock'n'roll, rock, hard rock, acid rock, art rock, bubblegum rock,
W>industrial rock, progressive rock (I hate that term), alternative rock
W>(that one too), soft rock, frat rock, comedy rock, noise rock,
W>rockabilly, religious rock, folk rock, classic rock, dance rock, three
W>chord rock, psychedelic rock, modern rock, post modern rock, glam
W>rock, heavy metal, metal, speed metal, garage music, house music, club
W>music, soul, rap, hip-hop, folk, punk, punkabilly, cowpunk, hardcore
W>punk, chipmunk punk (a very small subcategory with only one album I
W>know of), thrash punk, new wave, old wave, surf music, urban
W>contemporary, adult contemporary, women's contemporary,
W>militant-gay-marxist-fundimentalist-monk-drug-head contemporary (okey,
W>I made that one up), blues, rhythm and blues, bluegrass, skiffle
W>music, country, country western, western, power pop, synth pop,
W>reggae, ska, calypso, Bulgarian speed polka (made that one up too)...

(To the audience:)

W>I'm sure many of you could add to this list.  Note you won't find most
W>of these listed in the Phonolog.  They will all be in the "Popular"
W>section.  

(Whitcomb wipes his brow.  The stage is completely dark save for the
spotlight on him)

W>So, you can quibble to your heart's content about which sub-genre you
W>want to shoehorn Kate Bush's music into.  I'll settle for pop.

(Curtain)

(End of act one)

-Jonathan Whitcomb